when the impossible becomes possible

I was recently playing a video game (shocking) wherein one character says to another, "Many things are impossible until they are done." I didn't understand this sentiment truly until I watched the 1996 disasterpiece Caress of the Vampire. See, I thought it impossible to screw up the simple premise "lesbian vampires from outer space", but director Frank Terranova has gone and done exactly that, proving me at least 150% wrong. Caress of the Vampire is a complete failure in every single way- it's not so much a movie you watch as it is a movie that happens to you. I say this despite the fact that it stars the prettiest strippers in all of Glenwood, New Jersey!

After a few minutes of credits over Windows 3.1 Starfield screensaver, we are treated to a chilling Star Wars-esque opening...well, it doesn't crawl, exactly, but the words are there and as I said, they're chilling.




I know what you're thinking: why is "ago" capitalized? I'll tell you now- you need to let that go, because you'll never find out.

The most seductive force in the universe comes to Earth via some decidedly made by a student enrolled in their first semester of DeVry's computer graphics program effects. Mind you, I'm not saying this is bad- if anything, the spaceship certainly raised my anticipation of the story that was about to unfold.


We are never told that said unfolding story takes place in the present day; therefore, we can only assume that it takes place "Long Ago". If that's the case, then it turns out that "Long Ago" looks just like New Jersey circa 1996. I knew it!

A leather-clad lady strolls innocently down a boulevard one fine evening. As her constitutional ends and she's about to climb into her Trans-Am, she's accosted by a couple of ne'er-do-wells. Little do the hooligans know that they're messing with the wrong leather-clad lady...she's no innocent- she's a vampire!


I know what you're thinking: why would an alien have a tongue piercing? I'll tell you now- you need to let that go, because you'll never find out.

Cut to: a bedroom! Leather and another woman wear thongs and show some boobs (their own boobs- it's not, like, a demonstration) as they crawl around on a bed. I guess this is...sexy? Actually, everything about the scene- from the bedroom that's just so obviously someone's bedroom to the completely inappropriate action-flavored music- renders it all the polar opposite of sexy. The women are supposed to be lovers, but the actresses don't seem to feel comfortable actually touching one another- they sort of circle each other, roll around, rub each others arms, and come super close to kissing without, you know, kissing. Eh, maybe Caress of the Vampire takes the word "caress" very seriously- or maybe things will heat up later! [SPOILER: things don't heat up later]

After they're done rolling around, Leather and Other One stand at the window to spy on their new neighbor, whom I shall call Plaid. This is the best I can do, for none of the characters have names. It's not just that I don't feel like remembering their names- it's that no one in the movie has a name. Hell, when all is said and done, Other One doesn't even speak...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Apparently Leather and Other One find Plaid's stretch pants, plaid shirt, and top-knot very enticing. They...stare at her as she unpacks her groceries, which makes Plaid's kitchen get all negative-looking.


I know what you're thinking: why do the aliens need a calendar? I'll tell you now- you need to let that go, because you'll never find out.

The stare of the outer-space lesbians induces a sudden wave of total horniness in Plaid, which, as you may have guessed, causes her to immediately masturbate. Well, she doesn't masturbate, exactly...she does this, which is...is...okay, I don't know what the fuck she's doing.

Finally Plaid is released from the spell and she goes back to her chores none the wiser- which can only mean one thing...it's time for dialogue!

Leather is clearly smitten with Plaid, for she heads over to introduce herself. She puts Plaid under another spell and sort of...gropes her briefly. Plaid snaps out of it and immediately invites Leather to dinner the next night.

As Plaid is chopping carrots for the salad, she cuts her finger. This is to be expected, as the vampire can't resist the drop of blood and must show their true nature scene dates back to the days of Bram Stoker. Leather can't resist the blood and promptly begins sucking on Plaid's finger and says, "I'm used to blood- I used to be a nurse." Now, I've never gone to the emergency room while bleeding, so I don't know...maybe this is standard procedure for the treatment of cuts. One thing's for sure- it's sexy!

Wait, I mean it's nauseating.

Meanwhile, next door...or...somewhere, Other One is giving some dude a lap dance. Who is he? We don't know. There's no conversation. Why does this guy assume the standard strip club you no touch the dancer position while he's sitting on a couch in someone's home? We don't know. Other One takes off her dress to reveal an uncomfortable-looking outfit composed of straps, she gives him a lap dance, bites him, the end.

Meanwhile, a couple of homicide detectives are looking into the series of apparent "vampire murders". They catch a break when surveillance video of that first murder- you know, the one by the Trans-Am- is discovered. Here's a still from said video:

Yes, it seems that we were actually watching the scene unfold through the surveillance camera! Frank Terranova certainly toys with our notions of reality.

At any rate, we're treated to more rolling around by Leather and Other One.



Leather has invited Plaid to an after hours club. When it's time to leave, however, Leather decides she doesn't want to go- she'd much rather stay on the couch and grope Plaid's Kmart-bought breast implants.

The homicide cops go on a stakeout at the parking lot they saw in the surveillance video. Lucky for them, Leather is once again just a-strollin' down the boulevard; of course, this is just recycled footage from the beginning of the movie. See, Frank Terranova really does toy with our notions of reality and time!

The cops follow Leather to her home. They enter her basement and find some fruit punch blood in a Rubbermaid thermos. They go back outside just in time to see the garage door open and the spaceship zip off into the stars.

I know what you're thinking: what about Plaid? Well, finally my friends, we've got a question that can be answered. You see, Plaid is now a vampire! Gone is the top-knot! Present is the cleavage! Present are the fangs!

She introduces herself to her neighbor, who seems rather pleasant and has exquisite taste in art. Thus, the cycle continues here on Earth, while we can only assume that Leather and Other One have gone to some other planet to pursue their penchant for rolling around.

The best thing I can say about Caress of the Vampire is that it's mercifully short, clocking in at about 44 minutes. I've never seen a film with less plot, and I've certainly never seen a film featuring characters that don't even warrant names. What little dialogue there is between the women is atrociously dubbed, while three music tracks are constantly recycled throughout. If you're thinking there's at least some decent softcore action here- a natural assumption given the whole strippers as lesbian vampires angle, then you're thinking wrong, friendo. There's more eroticism to be found in a commercial for the Shake Weight.

Unless...wait! Maybe I'm under some sort of spell and Caress of the Vampire is actually awesome! Maybe it is impossible to make a terrible movie about lesbian vampires from outer space! I do seem to have a sudden urge to go climb atop my kitchen counter and...do whatever it was Plaid was doing...

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