ki ki ki meh meh meh

Came across this yesterday and I was so shocked I almost spat my leftover Thanksgiving stuffing all over my computer screen.

Can you believe this shit? Mind you, I thought that the remake was a big waste of natural resources- no wait...actually, I pretty much wanted to set it on fire- but I'm surprised that instead of hopping down the sequel trail, they're re-reboot-ening.

But then, on the older, wiser, perhaps more boring hand...I find that I do not care. You see, I no longer live in Los Angeles, so my days of press screenings and free screenings and movie openings are past. Having to pay for something, well, that makes me a far more discerning viewer because the idea of spending some of my precious few dollars on another remake of Friday the 13th makes me want to puke. I'll have to wait for it to show up at Redbox or Netflix or something, and I have a feeling there's always going to be something I'd rather watch. But who knows! I've done worse things in the interests of science, so maybe I'll take a reckless plunge when the time comes.

Moreso, however, it got me thinking about slashers in general, their place in the horror movie pantheon, and how much appeal they hold for me these days. Heck, I started Final Girl to talk exclusively about 'em! Now here I am, unable to achieve a metaphorical boner of love or hate for the idea of a new Friday the 13th.

I suppose it's a combination of things. Tastes change, after all, and right now my horror tastes generally run in directions other than "young attractive people are stabbed in creative ways". I say "generally" because hey, every once in a while a new slasher flick comes along and I really dig it. And, of course, I still adore the slashers of mah yoot and indulge in them on the regular. Geez, I wrote a comic about 'em! I guess I've simply come to a place in life where I embrace the freedom of not giving a shit about stuff like this. Or, at least, my Internet Anger tank is running on fumes, so it'd take something particularly heinous- say, a remake of Martyrs starring Lady Gaga and Kim Kardashian- to get me all riled up. Even then, though, I think I'd run out of steam pretty quickly. After all, I've seen some of the crappiest remakes to ever crap a crap, and yet...here I am. My love for the original films continues unabated. The moon continues to wax and wane, my haircuts continue to mystify even myself. I just don't see the point of frothing over it beyond an initial ARE YOU KIDDING ME NOOOOOO. Then it's back to Thanksgiving leftovers, you know?

By: Unknown On 09.32

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SHOCKtober: 309-291

Day Two brings us some good, good stuff so I'll shut my yap and get to it. Each of these movies received one vote.

309. Confessions -- 2010, Tetsuya Nakashima
308. The Crazies -- 2010, Breck Eisner
307. The Eye -- 2002, Oxide Pang Chun & Danny Pang
306. Invaders from Mars -- 1953, William Cameron Menzies
305. Scanners -- 1981, David Cronenberg
304. Double Indemnity -- 1944, Billy Wilder
303. Lady in White -- 1988, Frank LaLoggia
302. Terror Train -- 1980, Roger Spottiswoode
301. La residencia (The House That Screamed) -- 1969, Narciso Ibanez Serrador
300. Psycho II -- 1983, Richard Franklin
299. Trick 'r Treat -- 2007, Michael Dougherty
298. The Tunnel -- 2011, Carlo Ledesma
297. Eraserhead -- 1977, David Lynch
296. Mute Witness -- 1994, Anthony Waller
295. Prom Night -- 1980, Paul Lynch
294. Michael Jackson's "Thriller" -- 1983, John Landis
293. The Hypothesis of the Stolen Painting -- 1979, Raoul Ruiz
292. Demons -- 1985, Lamberto Bava
291. Cape Fear -- 1962, J. Lee Thompson

In case you're thinking to yourself "Thriller whaaaaaat!", let me just say "Thriller yesssssss!" because as far as I'm concerned, that video is a short film. It is also awesome. AND it provides the basis for one of my famous "I am old" stories, that goes as follows:

When Thriller hit, it was such a big deal, you guys. As it was the days before everyone had instant access to every piece of entertainment in the history of ever, MTV would actually schedule showings of it throughout the day. We neighborhood kids would stop whatever we were doing, run indoors, watch Thriller, and then go back outside to play 20 minutes later. Life was filled with zombified dance numbers, and it was good.

fuck you, Thriller is the best

Anyway, what else? I really, really need to see The House That Screamed. I was first made aware of it when it ended up at #229 during SHOCKtober 2010, but I've yet to track down a copy.

I love Demons! I love it so much, it's so stupid and gross. I wish I loved Trick 'r Treat more than I did...maybe it deserves another viewing? And I'll tell you right now: for someone not usually considered a "horror" director, David Lynch figures into SHOCKtober 2013 (and 2010!) pretty damn prominently.

By: Unknown On 08.55

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VHS Week, Day 2: WISHMASTER

The jerks like to say that horror movies are good for nothin' at all, but you know what? I learned a little something about myself whilst watching Wishmaster (1997), and that is that I am totally prejudiced! It's true. You see, I am far, far, faaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr more lenient with crap if it's on VHS. I just am. It's not that the format has any bearing on a film beyond resolution and picture quality- it's that for me, videotapes are sheathed in sheaths of cardboard and nostalgia and clammed up in clamshells of plastic and memories.

I know I've talked about it before, about how "movie night" was a thing back then, about hours spent picking out tapes, about how box art could make or break a film, about horror movies and slumber parties, about how I'm old, about where are my pants. But last night, it really sunk in- Wishmaster had that intangible something that seemed perfectly made for VHS viewing, and I was into it. I couldn't understand why everyone harshed on it! Djinn being all evil and not like the goofy genies we're all used to is a terrific idea, and during a djinn-induced chaos some dude's skeleton broke free from his body and went on a rampage. What's not to love? That's gold, friends!

As Ponyboy taught us all, however, nothing gold can stay. And, despite all evidence to the contrary, I'm not a complete idiot: crap on VHS is still crap, and it wasn't long before Wishmaster showed its true colors...and man, they were crappy like a crapbow. It's interesting, though, because it's easy to pinpoint the exact moment where the tide turned. It's here:

Or, more succinctly, it's the moment after that moment, but as you know I jammed out to this on tape and therefore can't do screengrabs. Anyway, ol' Wishie has just made a deal with a homeless guy and the homeless guys runs away in terror, blah blah blah. Then, the Wishmaster...sigh...picks up the homeless guy's discarded cigarette, smokes it, and gets, you know, "cool". Like, Freddy Krueger starting in Dream Warriors-cool, by which I mean "not at all cool". It gets worse after the Wishmaster covers up his gnarly nature by putting on a man-skin face: shit gets cornier and cornier, the lines get "snappier" and "snappier", and I hate my life.

Really, does anybody like this sort of thing? Where a terrifying, ageless demon-monster leaves pun-filled answering machine messages for someone? Do people enjoy all the quippy taunts? They're dreadful unless they're barfed out by the Leprechaun or the Rumplestiltskin. I mean, that is just Horror Movie Making 101.

The effects throughout Wishmaster are largely dodgy, given that it was made during the nascent era of CGI. "Dodgy", I can forgive...but more than that, they're as corny as the GD dialogue, with people turning into glass doors and the such. Over the course of its runtime, Wishmaster truly devolves into- to quote Pauline Kael- some truly corny-ass shit! If only I'd stopped at the 20-minute mark. Oh well. If I'd done that, I would have missed the cameo by the Pazuzu statue! (For real, Wishmaster is chock-full of familiar faces of death horror, including Robert Englund, Reggie Bannister, Tony Todd, Kane Hodder, Joe Pilato, and the voice of Angus Scrimm.)

You may wonder why, when it was all over, I immediately popped in Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies (which I happen to own because it's part of a DVD crap-pack, don't judge me). I guess I figured, I've sat through one, maybe the second one is better? How much worse can it be?

The answer: a lot worse. Wishmaster 2 doesn't devolve into truly corny-ass shit, it starts as such.

Some thieves botch an art heist, shots are fired, the Wishmaster escapes, blah blah. After he's freed from his little tiny jewel house, he has a run-in with the cops on the scene, who tell him to freeze. He then turns the cop into ice, ISN'T THAT GREAT. I won't even bother to get into how the movie collapsed in on itself and defied its own logic within the first ten minutes, rendering everything else during the course of its 96 minutes pointless. I have things to do! I will say this much, though: about 20 minutes in, I thought to myself "Maybe this movie will be better if I lie down, close my eyes, and just listen to it." You know what? It was better, because I immediately fell asleep.

I realize there are two more films in the series, but I'm pretty sure that my relationship with Wishmaster is but a one-night stand. Unless I can find Parts 3 and 4 on VHS...I mean, how bad could they be, right? RIGHT?

By: Unknown On 08.05

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Hello, this is Murder calling

One of my favorite activities is boring A Young Person to the brink of collapse with a litany of things that used to be better and/or things they've missed out on simply because they weren't around to experience them. Sure, sometimes I'll pause in my droning and think, "Have I become an actual crone yet? Do I really need to lament the loss of Fudgalicious right now? If I do, could I not do so privately? Surely this Young Person would rather skateboard or drink a Four Loco than listen to me talk about The Good Old Days." Then I stop zoning out and realize that the Young Person wandered off because I was no longer talking but simply staring off into space instead.

Their loss though, amirite? Yes! By wandering off, they will miss my blathering about specific topics related to things being better decades ago. Topics including, but not limited to:

1. Fudgalicious gum
2. Freshen Up gum, which I guess is still around but no one buys it because when you think about it, the way it squirted into your mouth was a bit disconcerting, really
3. I don't know why I keep mentioning gum. I don't even chew gum. That's not really a topic for the list, I am just saying.
4. Dallas, Dynasty, Knots Landing, Falcon Crest, Arthur Hailey's Hotel, and why am I not writing a book about 80s nighttime soaps
5. Made-for-TV horror movies
6. Having to wait a year (at least) for theatrically-released movies to come out on video, and then only renting everything because movies were, like, $100
7. Comics were everywhere

NOTE TO SELF- a talking point to add to this list in these future "conversations" (let's be real, it's just me going on and on): telephones, specifically as they used to relate to horror movies.

Look, I am not so old as to not realize that phones are still around. But let's face it...when it comes to horror movies, the tiny portable computer camera phone devices everyone has nowadays are boring. "Oh no, I can't get a signal, we're doomed!" - snooze. "My cell battery is dead!" - oh no, feel the excitement. "A signal transmitted through our mobiles is turning everyone into zombies! Well, maybe not technically zombies, but I guess it depends on your definition of a zombie!" - You know, lots of things turn people into zombies, be they technically zombies or no. Cell phones are just Dullsville, you guys. And as far as I know, they are not readily available in sweet avocado or mustard colors, so again: what is the point of them?

In The Old Days, handsets were usually connected to bases, and bases were always connected to houses. Literally! Connected by wires! If someone knew your phone number, chances were good they knew where you lived. If you answered the phone, you were home. Sure, now folks change cell numbers frequently- but once upon a time, you were tethered to that shit for life. And in case you are a dummy, let me remind you that the "mobile" in "mobile phone" means that you can take your phone with you. How scary would the beginning scenes of Scream been if the killer had called Casey while she were at CVS instead of making Jiffy Pop in her own kitchen?

"Do you like scary movies?"
"What's that? Sorry, I can't hear you."
"I said, 'DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES?'"
"Excuse me, can you tell me where the unguents are?"
"Hello?"
"Sorry, I'm at CVS and I need-"
"DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES?"
"Who is this? Can you call back? I need to browse the salves aisle."
"WHEN YOU GO HOME I'M GOING TO KILL YOU."
"Well, I guess I won't go home, then."

Answer: not very scary, except maybe for whatever situation she's facing that requires the application of a medicinal balm.

"Send help, I have a rash!"

Just look at the way she's being harassed! It's much tougher to bother someone with weird questions or heavy breathing nowadays with this Caller I.D. business. If I don't recognize a number, I don't answer. If they keep calling, I turn my phone off. If they leave disturbing voice messages, I delete 'em instead of listening to them. Let me tell you, Billy and his "Don't tell what we did, Agnes" business wouldn't have gotten very far with me. This is why my life is not nearly as terrifying as Black Christmas. I love that movie, but I am not complaining.

See? AVOCADO.

As numbers were tethered to phones and phones were tethered to houses, so were people tethered to...phones and houses. If you left your home to escape whatever masked whackadoo trying to whackayou, you had to leave your lifeline behind. No rushing out to hide behind the garage and call for help! Kids today have it so easy. Why, even if you stayed home to call the cops, the kookadook could simply cut the phone line.

And then, of course, phones could also tether you to your death!

Yes, I drew this, so what

There are multiple ways for this: the obvious, as employed my Mr. Myers, above, and then like this, in the POSITIVELY DELIGHTFUL (so delightful I had to yell it) 1982 flick Murder By Phone, which I just watched and which is the reason I am thinking so much about telephones in horror movies:

Man oh man, this movie! Okay, when I say yell "POSITIVELY DELIGHTFUL", I really mean "largely terrible" except for all of the titular murders by phone. Yeah, there's some plot that involves environmental superprofessor Richard Chamberlain and his Mighty Beard trying to solve these murders by phones, but the plot really just gets in the way of the murders. You know, the murders by phones.

AND HERE THEY ARE. Now you don't have to watch 80 minutes, you only have to watch two. Although, be warned: it's so awesome, you may spend 80 minutes watching two minutes 40 times.


The beeping. The shaking. The bleeding from all the head holes. The lightning and thunder indoors. The people getting blasted off their feet and crashing into various things. The venerable John fucking Houseman getting murdered by phone! If there is a Heaven, my friends, it is this two minutes of cinematic history.

Also: see? AVOCADO.

Also also, it should be noted: the second death...that of Mr. Office Man, cements my new-found love of people flying through the air whilst remaining seated in said chairs, a love that began with Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice. I want it to be in every movie forever from now on. And maybe retroactively put in every movie that's already been made. What am I saying, "maybe"? Definitely.

Wait, what was I talking about before I got distracted? Oh yeah, telephones in horror movies. Here are some others where phones play a pivotal role- if not in the movie itself, then in my mind, which is the only thing that really matters:

• When a Stranger Calls / When a Stranger Calls Back (I mean, DUH)
• Don't Answer the Phone! (this is also the title of a chapter from my forthcoming book, Hermiting 101)
• A Nightmare on Elm Street 

Yes, I drew this, too SO SUE ME

• The Ring
• 976-EVIL (Satan has a phone number, y'all!)
• Friday the 13th Part 2 (the phone is totally tied to Alice's death for me)

And, of course, One Missed Call, the poster for which only proves how unscary cell phones are.

What the hell is that? Who decided that was a good idea? It makes me feel bad for the film, because man, that poster really puts the film at a disadvantage from the get-go. How could it bounce back from being saddled with that image? It's like...I don't know, being born only a head or something. Maybe that's not 100% impossible to overcome, but it's got to be 99.5% impossible at best. If you were only a head, how would you breathe or turn the pages while you're reading Entertainment Weekly or be alive? It would be super tough. And with a poster like that, how could One Missed Call be good? The answer lies in its infamous 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I can't personally testify to its quality, because I've never seen it. Why would I? Life is too short, and it's much better spent watching people fly through the air on office furniture and boring The Young Folk.

By: Unknown On 05.09

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Children of the Corn: Revelation

Guys, guess how this one ends.

WITH AN EXPLOSION! Truth. It can't be a coincidence, can it? The fiery, explosive climax has to be a leitmotif, right? It has to be. And hey, should you have a fiery, explosive climax, be sure to consult your doctor. Ha ha haaaaaa! Get it? I'm tired.

Okay, so to be honest, Revelation (2001) wasn't quite as bad as I was expecting. It is, after all, the seventh movie in this He Who Walks Behind the Rows-forsaken series and all the various comments y'all have left on the Final Girl Faceplace had me scared for my life! By which I mean I was anticipating a rise in my blood pressure as a result of the suckitude, that I would be ready to enter a murder/suicide pact with this blog at some point during the film. This, however, was not to be. Not because Revelation is any good, of course. Rather, I cried "uncle!" before this day even began, and so, like a condemned person facing their day of reckoning courtesy of Ol' Sparky, I have been at peace throughout these movies. If you count on having a terrible, no good, really bad day, it all might end up better than you assume.

Yup, I thought that by this point in the proceedings I would be a raving lunatic...but I'm not. Yes, I'm kind of losing control of my ability to form coherent sentences, but I'm not as wiped out as I was during my Halloween-a-thon and my Friday-the-13th-ening. Perhaps this is owed to the fact that I'd seen nearly all of those films before I embarked on that journey into darkness, whereas my Corn senses have only tingled twice in the past. (See what I mean about coherent sentences?) When you're on your 15th hour of movie watching, if you throw in a shitty movie you've seen before it is torturous, like running your tongue over a knife blade. Actually, that would surpass torture, wouldn't it? Regardless, it's an appropriate simile. When you're on your 15th hour of movie watching and you throw in a shitty movie you've never seen before, though, it's just sort of boring. From the Stacie-shaped pit of my couch I shrug and toss off a nonchalant "I've seen worse". Like, come at me, Children of the Corn. You can't hurt me, I'm already dead.

All of this is to say that Revelation is bad, but it didn't make me want to kill myself. That is a compliment, although I doubt it will find its way onto the box of any future DVD releases as a pull quote. Whatever. Like I care, Children of the Corn: Revelation.

So. What is all this shit about the corn? Oh, some broad goes to visit her gramma, who has disappeared from her condemned Condominium of the Corn (for real...it's, like, in a corn field). The building is filled with standard stock apartment dwellers- crazy Army dude, mean old guy, stoner, stripper- who all die one by one at the glowers and hands of...the children of the...wait for it...CORN. They are for real of the corn this time, though- each new death resurrects a dead child from the corns of yore. It's not an awful idea, necessarily. It's just lackluster in its execution and its ties to the previous films are, like Part V, virtually nonexistent.

My biggest takeaway, I think, is that in Revelation bugs spill out of someone's mouth and they are CGI bugs made out of computer. In Urban Harvest, the bugs spilling out of peoples' mouths were real. That's how you get shit done. That's acting! Things were better back them, I'm old, et cetera et cetera.

By: Unknown On 19.16

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I liked horror BEFORE it was mainstream

Sorry, it's just that I so rarely get a chance to be a hipster.

Anyhamburgerphone, Kirk Hamilton wrote a piece for Kotaku about horror, its relationship to the mainstream, and the diminishing returns of sequels in the world of movies and video games. He kindly asked for my opinion on these topics, and like a proper old person, I went on and on and on way more than I should have. He wanted a sentence, and I gave him a filibuster...so there's lots of our little conversation that didn't make the final piece. SHOCKING!

In the interests of history and science, I figured I'd post up all of my yammering here because if there's one thing I can do at Final Girl, it's yammer freely forever! Oh lawd, bless this l'il Internet. Read Kirk's piece first, yeah? And then continue below.


Kirk: I feel like commonly, when a horror film (or game) finds success, its sequels aren't as scary. They may still be as good, but they're not as scary. Do you think that's the case?

Me: For my money, Silent Hill 2 is far scarier than the first game, but other than that I tend to agree with you with regard to sequels. It's most obvious, for example, in the Silent Hill series and the Resident Evil series- why are the earlier games so much more frightening than the later ones? I think it's a pretty easy answer: they lack the atmosphere they used to have. It's most obvious with Resident Evil, which moves further and further away from its horror roots with each new installment, but it's true for Silent Hill as well. Early games relied on shadows and darkness and sound- sound is PARAMOUNT in a horror game- to create an oppressive feeling of dread. What's that shape lurking down the hall? What's scratching on the other side of this door? For the love of pizza, what is making that NOISE? The games simply give you the creeps. Jump scares are fine and good, but they flare out quickly and they don't stay under your skin.

The difference between shock and suspense is illustrated as you play Dead Space- early on, as Isaac is slowly walking the abandoned corridors of the Ishimura, you hear sounds from all over: footsteps, maybe, or a piece of metal clanging in the distance. Your stomach tightens because you don't know what to expect, and you're scared. Four hours later, you know a necromorph is going to pop out of every dark corner and while your heart rate increases for a moment...eh, it's not going to give you nightmares. I think any sequel CAN be as scary as an original work if the creators can find new ways to utilize the ESSENCE of horror, which is what makes the originals work.

Why does that happen? Is there something about horror that's fundamentally not mainstream-friendly?

When it comes to films in the genre, I agree with you- mainstream tends to miss the mark. I think that by and large, this simply has to do with money. Every big budget has a fleet of executives behind it looking to earn back that money and then some; they've all got a vested interest in the property and a say in what ends up on the screen. It becomes filmmaking by committee and it shows. Some of the greatest horror films of all time- The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Night of the Living Dead, and so on- were made on shoestring budgets and were therefore solely the vision of the writers and directors.

If you want to earn more money in theaters, your film needs to appeal to a wider audience...which means, say, toning down gore or extreme content to secure a PG-13 rating. Of course, "scary" is totally subjective and the MPAA rating doesn't necessarily dictate whether or not a film will be successful, but it does signify "mainstream" and it's going to put off many horror fans.

Do you think there's something about horror and fear itself that doesn't work with mainstream PR--the kinda porny nature of it, the way that it taps into such innate human darkness--like, can something like that ever truly be mainstream? We never see widely publicized release for a hardcore horror film. At best we get a "Scream" or a "Drag me to Hell." (Fine movies, but they aren't "Dead Alive," you know?) Why do you think that is?

John Carpenter once said that horror is viewed maybe a notch or two above pornography by the masses, and I don't think that consensus has changed much since he made Halloween. As a horror fan- and, let's face it, particularly as a female horror fan- I find myself defending the genre and/or myself pretty frequently. Assuring people that while I dig scary movies, I'm not a psychopath, a sociopath, or a degenerate. I don't watch horror movies because I dearly love watching women get butchered. I've answered "Why do you/how can you watch that stuff?" more times than I can count, and believe me, I can count PRETTY HIGH.

Sure, horror taps into human darkness, as you said, but...I don't know, people who DON'T watch horror movies tend to think that quality means that horror movies are ONLY endlessly violent and brutal and ONLY completely pointless and dumb. The genre has much more to offer than simply "dead teenager" flicks- although I'm not going to say I don't love those, too. I just think horror got slapped early on with the "low-rent" label and it's never going to shake it.

Horror will never thrive in the mainstream simply because the mainstream doesn't want it...and that's fine, I get it. Not everyone finds tapping into the dark side of life "entertaining"- they'd rather watch a movie about baby penguins doing their thing, you know?

By: Unknown On 06.21

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I warned you not to join the Film Club!

No, wait...I told you the opposite of that!

Yes, my pretties, it is FINALLY time for another Film Club. If you are my fake cyber-friend, then you know that I've ben both hemming and hawing over the choice for some time. Lo, but then! One of you awesome fake cyber-friends was all...what about Maniac? And in my head, I was all...yes.

This notorious 1980 slasher flick had me flipping my lid* way before I even saw it, way back when it was just a series of gruesome black and white pictures in Fangoria magazine. Those pictures affected me to the point that I completely avoided the film for decades.

Then I finally saw it and hey, it's really good! It's incredibly sleazy and yes, gruesome, and yes, you will want to brush your teeth repeatedly when it's over, but it's also essential viewing. And besides, if nothing else, Maniac features one of the best songs in the history of ever: "Showdown" by Don Armando's 2nd Avenue Rhumba Band. This video has stills from the film and the such, so close your eyes and get down if you don't want to be spoiled about anything.




Oh my goodness, it's so good.

And just think! If you've never seen this movie, after Film Club you'll be able to join the "They cast ELIJAH WOOD in the Maniac remake? What." Club, too!

Okay, here's the deal.

The film: Maniac (1980)
The due date: Monday, July 9
The deal: Write your review or anything pertaining to the film, linking to Final Girl somewhere in there. Email a link to me at stacieponder at gmail dot com. I post a link to you in my review. Easy, breezy, beautiful!

Hey and look at these newspaper ads! I totally pinched them from one of you on Facebook, too. Fake cyber-friends are the best!

*"flipped my lid" is kind of a Maniac-flavored joke, right? Not a good one, but still.

By: Unknown On 08.27

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awesome movie poster friday - the IN SPACE edition, part two!

Now, y'all probably know by now how I feel about sci-fi-flavored horror movies. To reiterate: I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Most especially I love the ones that take place in space- that's why this AMPF isn't about genre mash-ups like, say, Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Gimme some spaceships!

No, it's not a large subgenre by any means, but oh, it has a special place in my heart. It's safe to say, then, that I'm peeing my pants with anticipation over Prometheus. (And because of general incontinence issues owing to age, but still. I am EXCITED.)

And before you get all "What, where's Alien?"...I think those films deserve their very own AMPF, so stay tuned, Aunt Demandy!

By: Unknown On 14.01

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Film Club: Hellbound

My friends, when this...

...and the name Yoram Globus appeared on my screen at the beginning of Hellbound, everything felt right in the world- right, and decidedly 1985. Now, if you're all "What's the bigs?", then let me tell you: The Cannon Group and Golan-Globus Productions were responsible for a huge chunk of genre output in the late 70s-late 80s, action flicks in particular. From Lifeforce to Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, from American Ninja to American Ninja V, from Breakin' to Electric Boogaloo, from He-Man to every Chuck Norris opus, Cannon simply IS the eighties to a lot of movie nerds, myself included.

Hellbound hit in 1994, after Menahem Golan left Golan-Globus Productions, and it's terrible, terrible, terrible...by which I mean it's the most awesome thing I'll never watch again. Well, okay- it's not truly awesome, but it's so thoroughly drenched in the essence of awesome that it's a bit hard to tell the difference. It's like the shittiest frozen pizza- you may make a note (mentally or literally) that you'll never buy that brand again...and yet, it's pizza and therefore it's still better than anything that's not pizza.

Oh...fine. Hellbound is crap on a crap stick and there's no getting around it. My love of Cannon, though, makes me a total crap denier. Or not a denier, exactly, but my view can be summed up thusly: yes, it's awful, but it's a Cannon film. So, it's awful but I don't really care. I'll never watch it again, but when I talk about it, I'll probably say things like "Oh, Hellbound was great! You should totally watch it." I'm not sure what kind of person that makes me- obviously not one who can be trusted, but there you go.

Hellbound opens with a text crawl, which lets you know that shit is about to get epic up in here. It begins with "The legend says..." and tells of Prosatanos, an emissary of Satan who's going to bring Hell to Earth and blah blah blah. What legend, exactly? It's THE legend, and that's good enough!

To reinforce the epicness, the action starts during the Crusades, with Knights Templar and King Richard the Lionheart on horseback, heading off to stop Prosatanos from...you know, doing everything the text crawl said he was going to do. They seal him up in a tomb and smash his scepter. There are monster-types in Satanic robes to be defeated, and I begin to think this movie is going to rule my world.

Fast-forward to 1951! The tomb is raided (not by Lara Croft, unfortunately) and Prosatanos is set free.

Fast-forward to Chuck Norris, A.D. and the seedy neon-lit streets of Chicago. Norris is Sergeant Shatter (YES I SAID SERGEANT SHATTER), a tough cop, and he's partnered up with Jackson, a Rick James/Whoopi Goldberg-hybrid stereotype who has GOT to be one of the most irritating characters ever put on any screen of any kind, anywhere. Ever. I hated him. I would rather watch a remake of My Dinner with Andre starring Franklin from The Texas Chain Saw Masssacre and Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3 than suffer through another second of Jackson's antics.

Anyway, here's what we get in Chicago that had me excited...and mind you, we've already seen Knights Templar. This all just reinforced my hopes that Hellbound would become master of all my children days.

• a hooker, with a HORRENDOUSLY dubbed voice, who gets all chiropractical on herself
• said hooker, defenestrated
• Prosatanos, looking a bit like Phantasm's Reggie Banister, acting a lot like Silent Night, Deadly Night 2's Eric Freeman
• A heart ripped out of a chest
• Chuck Norris kicking the shit out of a dude wearing a snakeskin tanktop
• Antiquities kept in fannypacks
• A hardass police captain who surely would have been more at home raping female convicts with broomhandles in some women-in-prison exploitation flick
• Chuck Norris in a high-waisted, shoulder-padded teal suit

I mean...I mean...SEE WHAT I MEAN? Hellbound could do no wrong, but then suddenly it started doing everything wrong. I got a return of "utter disappointment" on my investment of "high expectations" which rivaled that one Christmas where I had totally convinced myself that my parents got me a huge TV- these were the days when having your own TV was still a big effing deal, and I knew for sure that the big box under the tree was a television just for me- but then it turned out to be...I don't even know what it was. I unwrapped it and found it was not a TV, but, like, a blanket. I was crushed for five minutes! Hellbound brought back those feelings, but my state of crushed-dom continues, even several five minuteses later.

I don't know what happened. How did things go so wrong, when they were going oh-so right? Well, maybe I do know what happened: Hellbound got a bit zany. Madcap, even, as our Chicago cops trotted the globe all the way to Israel to figure out the deal with Prosatanos's scepter pieces. There was this...this...piano music and one-car car chases and street urchins and too much Jackson and not enough demons. Granted, any Jackson was too much Jackson, but the minions of Satan were so nonexistent that I had to get my Clara Peller on and bust out a "Where's the demons?" once or twice. For reals, Hellbound could have been the best movie in the history of things that could have been, but lo, the middle hour was just. So. Bad.

And then the last ten minutes happened and suddenly Chuck Norris was slo-mo punching and kicking an emissary of Satan and I thought YES. Yes, this is what I wanted all along. It's all I wanted from Hellbound- well, Chuck Norris beating up demons and maybe an explosion.

Then I got an explosion, as Prosatanos- showing his true, rubber demon face!- exploded all over a tomb in a shower of sparks and smoke. The only way it could have been better was if Jackson had exploded as well. Or instead. Or if he was never there to begin with.

Ah well. Things are rarely as good as we dream them to be, and Hellbound is no exception. By which I mean Hellbound was great! You should totally watch it.

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Film Club Coolies, y'all!
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By: Unknown On 10.50

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