Two sentences and a verdict, once more!

I've done this sort of thing a few times before, wherein I watch a bunch of movies but then I don't review them and the movies I've watched but haven't discussed pile up so I write these itty-bitty reviewettes and everyone is satisfied because they're easy to bake and easy to digest. Like bran muffins! Maybe, I don't know. If I get a muffin I rarely get bran because life is too short, you know? And I know they're "good" for "you", but let's face it. The amount of time added on to my life by solely choosing bran muffins would probably work out to, like, ten minutes. I'd rather die ten minutes sooner and eat a goddamn corn muffin or a cranberry muffin whenever I feel like eating a muffin, which is not very often to begin with so why are we even talking about it?

The Awakening (2011, Nick Murphy)

 

In 1920s London, Florence Cathcart goes about exposing hoaxes and debunking paranormal phenomena. She's called to a country boarding school to do her thing, but what if, this time, the hoaxes are real? Meaning, you know, they're not hoaxes...they're ghosts.

Two sentences: Rebecca Hall is terrific as the arrogant Florence Cathcart, and there's atmosphere to spare throughout the empty rooms of the enormous boarding school. Ultimately, though, the film collapses in the final act as writer/director Murphy feels the need to explain everything in painstaking detail.

The verdict: Worth a watch, but bear in mind that The Awakening is more of a drama with some horror sprinkled in than a straight-up fright fest.

The Skeleton Key (2005, Iain Softley)

"She mustn't find out that I've been listening to 'Dear Mr. Jesus' again!"

Hospice nurse Caroline Ellis (Kate Hudson) takes a job at a mansion in the backwater swampland of Louisiana to care for an elderly gentleman, hoodoo hijinks ensue.

Two sentences: I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this film, as it wasn't the CGI-n-jump-scare-laden crapfest I was anticipating. It's not the best thing ever and it's more plot-driven than character-driven, but as I said when discussing it on the Final Girl Facebook page: if you can't appreciate a homicidal, shotgun-wielding Gena Rowlands chasing Kate Hudson through a swamp during a thunderstorm, then what's the point of anything?

The verdict: Try it, you might like it! 

Munger Road (2011, Nicholas Smith)

Some jerk teenagers go looking for paranormal activity on the reputedly haunted Munger Road. Meanwhile, Sheriff Bruce Davison patrols the town looking for an escapee from a nearby mental hospital.

Two sentences: Get out your pencils, kids, it's math time. (Halloween + Fingerprints) x ("based on true events") / Are you fucking kidding me with that ending? = Munger Road

The verdict: No no no go fuck yourself no get out of my face no NO.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2010, Troy Nixey)

 

In the magical place called "Rhode Island", a young girl discovers that the creatures living beneath the sprawling manse where she's staying are pure eeeeeevil.

Two sentences: I (sadly) wasn't all that enamored with the original 1973 made-for-TV film and I thought it could benefit from a remake. Though this one is awfully computer, it's overall enjoyable and the creatures are suitably vicious and nasty.

The verdict: Another "Hey, I thought that was going to be terrible and it wasn't!" flick. And say what you will about Katie Holmes, she certainly has very nice hair. But why don't they call it Do Be Afraid of the Dark? The dark is where all the bad shit happens!

Lovely Molly (2011, Eduardo Sanchez)

Newlyweds Molly and Tim move into Molly's childhood home and she soon finds herself haunted...but is it all in her mind?

Two sentences: The DVD cover is a Photoshop turd, but Sanchez's Blair Witch Project pedigree led me to giving this one a go and I'm glad I did. Questions may ultimately go unanswered, but the ride is terrifically creepy and Gretchen Lodge is fantastic as the tortured Molly.

The verdict: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes, I really dug this underrated little gem. It'll certainly benefit from multiple viewings as there's a lot to absorb. And lawd-a-mighty, it may be a small touch, but I especially love that it features characters who are regular people working real regular jobs, not movie regular jobs, you know?

By: Unknown On 15.22

Continue Reading

The Wind Beneath My Blood Wings

Another day, another horror movie, another life lesson. The movie is Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, the 1994 direct-to-video sequel to Stan Winston's directorial debut. I looked up my review for the original film and lo and behold, I mentioned the sequel in my closing paragraph:

There is a Pumpkinhead 2 (Blood Wings) which is most likely awful. But the cast...the cast, man- look at the caaaast! Soleil Moon Frye (that's Miss Punky Brewster if you're nasty), Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, Linnea Quigley (and her bare boobs, I'm sure), Roger Clinton as...the Mayor, Steve Kanaly- who played Ray Krebbs on Dallas...oh man, you know I'm all over this one.

It's been almost eight years since I wrote that and finally- finally!- I have, in fact, been all over that one. And what of this life lesson I have learned courtesy of ol' P-head?

How can I put this? Despite my predictions, despite every Magic 8 Ball giving me a "SIGNS POINT TO YES" when I asked if Pumpkinhead II was going to be awful, the movie isn't awful. It isn't even bad! Actually, it's a shit ton of fun- and I don't mean that in some ironic, MSTK, make-fun-of-it way. I mean it is quite enjoyable to watch. Not a good movie, but a good time. I was all ready for craptaculosity, and I got none. Well, there was all the 1990s realness going on in the atrocious patterns, velvet chokers, sheer tops, high waists, mullets, and McDonald's golden arches hair, but that's not Pumpkinhead II's fault. That's the fault of an entire era! Besides, any non-jerk who's watched a movie made before five minutes ago knows that fashions and the such aren't a reason to deride a film as a whole. Still, it cannot be denied that the 1990s were a low point in human history, aesthetically speaking.

Remember when Roger Clinton tried to be a thing? Ah, the days of innocence and $1.10 gasoline.

Anyway, back to that lesson I learned. Hmm, it's all getting a bit fuzzy now, but it has something to do with the idea of watching movies ironically and whether or not one should do it. I can't say that I don't do it, but at the same time...okay, what I think I mean is, the crap I love, I love genuinely and whole-heartedly. You know, not solely because it's crap or because it's make-fun-of-able. Take something like Sharknado. I have not seen Sharknado and I have no desire to see Sharknado because looking at it from the outside at least, it seems to have been made simply to be made fun of. It looks as if there's nothing genuine about it, and I'm not just talking about the obviously CGI special effects. It's not a comedy, but it wants you to laugh at it. That trying-too-hard obviousness doesn't hold much appeal for me.

Maybe I'm fooling myself by thinking that my love of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and the love the entire world/internet felt for Sharknado are two unrelated things. I'm likely presumptuous in my thinking that when I say "it's so bad, it's good" I mean it differently than the unwashed masses do. I'll figure it (and myself) out someday. An unexamined life is not worth living, gazing into the abyss, et cetera et cetera.

My point is that when I fired up Pumpkinhead II, I had Sharknado goggles on, you know? I was ready to make fun of it, ready to post a review that tore it apart but good. Then I realized I was enjoying it, and I kind of hated myself for not giving it a fair shake from the get-go. Not that I'm a moron who expects every movie to be terrific; why, sometimes your only hope is that a film won't make you want to kill yourself. No, I hated myself because I was watching it ironically, my only intent to tear it down. How gross, right? What a jerk.

While not a horror-comedy, Pumpkinhead II is much more light-hearted than its predecessor and its sad tale of noble dirt farmers. Broadly-drawn bad guys get pulverized by the titular demon of revenge and it's a delightfully gory affair. The highlight, no doubt, comes when a jerk, knocked through the air by Pumpkinhead, lands head-first in a l'il coop and gets his eyes pecked out by chickens. I rewound it three times, just so you know.

I have to say, while I wasn't right all those years ago in thing that PII would be awful, I was right regarding one thing two things, and those are Linnea Quigley's boobs. Of course they make an appearance! Then poor Linnea is terrorized by Pumpkinhead and she screams herself into catatonia, which gives my favorite character, the always-on-the-verge-of-panic doctor, a chance to shine:

SHERIFF (played by YES Andrew "Hellraiser" Robinson): It's like she's not even here!

ALWAYS-ON-THE-EDGE-OF-PANIC DOCTOR: She's not! Whatever she saw, it scared her so bad, her mind couldn't deal with it and shut down. It's one step away from being...scared to death.

It's so great that when the killings start, always-on-the-verge-of-panic doctor immediately dispenses with all doubt and heads right down to this is some fucked up shit town: "If an animal got ol' Ernst, it wasn't of this world." Really, only Halloween's Dr. Loomis can compare in a willingness to expand one's professional mind beyond a proper diagnosis and DSM-IV. I love always-on-the-verge-of-panic doctor!

And man, director Jeff Burr doesn't skimp on showing Pumpkinhead in all his glory. He's huge and maybe a little awkward and slow in his movements, but there ain't a lick of computer on him. When he picks up a jerk and twists the jerk's head off, he really does it! In a fake way, but you know what I mean. It's pretty awesome and quite satisfying.

Plot holes and logic gaps abound for sure, but dammit, I'm just gonna let Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings be great. Well, not great. As I said, not even good. It's certainly inferior to the original film. Geez, I was expecting to point at this movie and laugh...but we had a good time together, ol' P-Head and I. And that's one to grow on.

By: Unknown On 17.27

Continue Reading

Hey wait, that wasn't too bad: THE SHRINE (2010)

Boy oh boy do I spend a lot of time sifting through crap when trying to find something to watch on Netflix. Well, okay, to clarify: sifting through perceived crap. That's right! I totally judge books movies by their covers even though my parents taught me better. And really, I should know better, especially when it comes to horror- cover art nowadays is just the worst and has no bearing on the quality of the film itself. But still...dime-a-dozen artwork coupled with a not-so-great-rating menage à troising with a cast of unknowns means I'm probably going to zip right by you, movie. I'm sorry. You can judge me, I deserve it.

And heck, maybe I've learned my lesson! (I haven't) After all, for the reasons outlined above, I zipped past The Shrine a bunch of times until some friends told me I really ought to check it out. I stopped zipping, checked it out, and hey wait, it wasn't too bad.

Carmen (Cindy Sampson) is a young reporter who smells a hot story cookin' in Poland- American tourists are disappearing. Her editor, though, disagrees that there's any mystery afoot and instead sends Carmen to investigate a story about bees.

Apparently Carmen has never seen The Swarm and therefore she does not understand that bees can be our greatest friends and also our greatest enemies, and that it could be a BLOCKBUSTER STORY...and thus she storms off to Poland regardless, her boyfriend Marcus (Aaron Ashmore) and intern Sara (Meghan Heffern) in tow.

Reporter powers...activate! Form of...good-looking young people!

"OH PLEASE NO," you may be saying to yourself. "Let me guess...The Shrine is really just Hostel Part Whatever Number They're Up To Now, isn't it?"

Believe me, friends, I was saying that to myself as well. I probably even rolled my eyes! But The Shrine has many lessons to teach us about prejudice...in fact, I don't think it's too brash to say that The Shrine may be this generation's "Free Your Mind".

So what is happening to those tourists if they're not being tortured because of reasons? Well, I guess you'll just have to watch it and find out, won't you? There are religious ceremonies, isolated villages with something to hide- you know, lots of horror chestnuts. There's also gore that'll make you cringe, some incredibly creepy sequences, and some pleasant surprises for those fans who are all jaded about dem horror chestnuts. It's a surprisingly mean movie.

Mind you, there's also some dodgy special effects and and characters who do things that...you know, stupid characters in scary movies do, but in the end I didn't mind so much. In fact, I didn't much mind at all- The Shrine is effective and dagummit, I really liked it. It's an original take on some old faves....and aren't horror fans always crying out for originality? Yes. Can a movie be both original and familiar? Yes. Don't be like me- don't zip by this one when it pops up on Netflix. But then do be like me and take a chance on it. Mixed messages, I know. I'm sorry. Just free your mind and the rest will follow, I swear.

By: Unknown On 10.07

Continue Reading