SHOCKtober: 60-51

The following film received three votes:

60. Halloween II -- 1981, Rick Rosenthal

Each of the following films received four votes:

59. The Grudge -- 2004, Takashi Shimizu

58. An American Werewolf in London -- 1981, John Landis

57. Friday the 13th Part 2 -- 1981, Steve Miner

56. The Woman in Black -- 1989, Herbert Wise

55. It -- 1990, Tommy Lee Wallace

54. Child's Play -- 1988, Tom Holland

53. The House of the Devil -- 2009, Ti West

52. Scream -- 1996, Wes Craven

51. The Brood -- 1979, David Cronenberg

What a sweet, sweet chunk o' list this is! So much goodness. More than anything, I think it simply reinforces my belief that 1981 was totally such an awesome year for horror. Although I have to admit, whenever I think about Halloween II, the first thing that comes to mind is that Dollar Tree wig Jamie Lee Curtis sports.

Okay, now here is some news you can use:

First and foremost, tonight is the night! The night of...The Re-Scare-ening, a one-night Scare-ening reunion special. Listen in! Call in! It'll be fun. And if you can't listen live (tonight at 8pm EST/5pm PST), it'll be available for download and streaming after it airs.

Also, it's time to choose a choice for the Final Girl Film Club. And this time, it's a film everyone won't shut up about so I'd might as well add my voice to the cacophony...The Conjuring! Can't wait to see how James Wan's fear of dolls and old women is manifested this time! Ah, don't worry, I'll give it a fair shake. I hope I enjoy it as much as most everyone else seems to.

Here lie the Film Club what-fors:

The movie: The Conjuring
The due date: Tuesday, November 12
The deal:

1. watch the movie
2. link to Final Girl somewhere in your review
3. email me the link: stacieponder at gmail dot com
4. bask in the warm embrace of your fellow Film Clubbers

If you wrote a review of the film previously, that's totally fine. Just add a link to Final Girl in there somewhere and send it along.

By: Unknown On 08.36

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l'il nibbles

One of the biggest dangers in living an exciting, action-packed life such as my own is that it is actually possible to experience too much. Too many adventures and too many emotions get all jumbled up in my brain place. Sometimes, I find myself thinking back on, say, that time I made a papier-maiche Jermaine Jackson head to give to him as a gift, but then his roadies threw it in the shower to "defuse" it because they thought it was a bomb...but then I'm like "Damn, Stacie. That didn't happen to you...that happened to Tootie on an episode of The Facts of Life." What are dreams? What is reality? Am I Inception?

Sigh. Look, I know that this post seems like another excerpt from the story of my ongoing existential life crisis, but there's a point and that point is this: once in a while I mention a movie here on Final Girl and then I'll consult my big list of review links to find a review link only to find there is no review link. This is immediately followed by the thought "Well, mayhaps I didn't write a review, but surely I've talked about this film. Or maybe I just forgot to add it to the review list..." and I'll search around the ol' FG only to find precisely jack squat. Then I wonder a whole bunch about what's up because I'm convinced I have done this thing despite whatever my computer tells me. Then, as I said, I get worried about reality vs my brain's reality. Am I losing my mind? Wherefore art thou, cognitive dissonance? Am I Inception? Why is brain?

The answer, however, is a simple one: I've written about these movies elsewhere, be it for a website or a magazine or whatever. Because you may not peruse those websites or magazines or whatevers, you may not know how I feel about [Movie] and that is, legally speaking, a crime against nature. So, here are some tiny bits- not necessarily reviews, but...mmm, opinions about some movies I've yet to talk about at Final Girl. These were all talked about at AMC's website.

Even if you find these unfulfilling, hey. Having these on the record will ease my Inception-esque worries in the future!

The Centerfold Girls (1974)

This sleazy little slasher flick has recently gotten the remastered DVD treatment, and it’s totally worth checking out if you’re into…err, sleazy slasher flicks. As Clement Dunne, genre veteran Andrew Prine is morally outraged by women who pose for a nudie calendar, but he’s obviously not morally outraged by murder. The Centerfold Girls is pure grindhouse-flavor exploitation featuring the white-hot Tiffany “Kingdom of the Spiders” Bolling.

Looker (1981)

Michael Crichton’s Looker has a few things going for it, including its bitchin’ synthesized score and theme song. A bunch of beautiful models head to the Beverly Hills office of plastic surgeon Larry Roberts (Albert Finney) for minor tweaks in an attempt to become even more beautiful…because, you know, shaving 2mm off your nose can really make all the difference. The women soon start dropping like pretty, pretty flies, so Dr. Roberts gets his investigatin’ on. He soon finds himself in the computer graphics enhanced world of early 80s media conglomerates and advertising agencies, where artificiality is the word of the day. The eeeevil advertising magnates are using artificial actors in their commercials, to which I say gimme a break! Computer-made actors, crafted solely of pixels? Why, that’s just crazy talk- such a thing could never be!

Dawn of the Mummy (1981)

This American/Egyptian/Italian effort combines some of the greatest things in the history of ever: namely, zombie-style gut munching, pyramids, and fashion models. Make no mistake- Dawn of the Mummy is pretty lousy…but it’s awesomely lousy. The premise is simple: a group of shockingly self-centered model-types desecrate the tomb of someone or other by staging a photo shoot around his sarcophagus; the mummy, along with his mummy pals, rises and lays waste to the model-types. The thing is, that summary makes it seem as if the film is actually somewhat logical- trust me when I assure you it’s not. Who needs logic, though, when you’ve got mummies who act like zombies?

Tourist Trap (1979)

Preceding the slasher boom by a couple of years, Tourist Trap has all bears all the hallmarks of the subgenre: a group of good-looking teens end up stranded in a remote location (Slausen’s Lost Oasis, a rundown roadside attraction joint) on their way to a weekend of partying, only to find themselves hunted by a masked killer. What sets Tourist Trap apart, however, are the finer things: creepy mannequins, telekinesis, Chuck Connors hamming it up, and a closing shot that’s one of the true, bizarre, insane joys in all horrordom.

Below (2002)

A US submarine picks up three shipwrecked Brits as they patrol hostile German waters in this WWII-era ghost story. The claustrophobic setting adds to the sense of gloom and doom in this mature effort penned by Darren Aronofsky. It’s a low-key haunted boat story; you know the CGI-enhanced, bombastic Ghost Ship? It’s pretty much the opposite of that.

Dead End (2003)

Ah, the old “this shortcut down a dark, wooded road was a really bad idea!” routine. We’ve seen it a million times in horror, but Dead End amps up the formula with enough twists, turns, and genuine scares to leave you feeling unsettled throughout. The cast, led by Ray Wise and Lin Shaye, make familiar characters feel fresh. Though the end is predictable to genre vets, the fun is in the ride that gets you there.

First Born (2007)

I picked up this DVD on a complete lark one fine day; I’d never even heard of it, but the cover seemed to promise Elisabeth Shue as a crazed mommy and that was all I needed to take First Born home. The cover is slightly misleading- Shue is a crazed mommy, but not of the Mommy variety. She’s more a Yellow Wallpaper-type: a woman driven mad by her insecurities and the pressure of motherhood. This film wasn’t at all what I expected; rather, it was much more. It’s a taut, enthralling psychological character study in the horror/thriller vein that deserves a look.

Pontypool (2008)

This Canadian film breathed new life into the undead by presenting a world in which a rage virus can be transmitted not through bites, but through words. Sure, it's a bit of a head-scratcher, but it's an idea as horrifying as it is intricate: that language itself may be our undoing. Pontypool gives you plenty to think about, but it doesn't skimp on the thrills either as a small band of survivors trapped in a radio station control room try to figure out what's going on right outside their door- before it gets in.

The Children (2008)

Kids are germ sponges. They pick up every little virus, from the flu to the chicken pox and everything in between; usually this leads to lots of coughing, whining, and bedrest. In The Children, however, the coughing and whining of the virus-riddled kids during Christmas celebrations leads to murder most deadly, which really puts a damper on things. If you think you've seen everything a "killer kid" flick has to offer, well, you ain't seen nothin' until you've seen this one. It's as violent, brutal, and surprising as the worst 24-hour bug.

Triangle (2009)

When Triangle arrived in my mailbox, I was put off by its corny lenticular cover. Another throw-away direct-to-DVD flick, thought I. How wrong I was! In Triangle, writer/director Christopher Smith has concocted a labyrinthine horror tale that demands your attention right up until the end. When passengers on board a yacht are forced onto an ocean liner due to stormy conditions, they find the larger ship deserted...except for someone who's hunting them. A true underrated gem that proves what your mother always tried to teach you: corny lenticular covers can be deceiving!

By: Unknown On 11.19

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Evil Dead (2013)

Remakes, amirite? Boy, that train just keeps on a-rollin', bypassing torture porn, zombies, found footage, and all the other horror trends of the last decade. Because remakes are here to stay, most horror fans have relented and called a...well, not a truce with them, per se, but more of an uneasy cease fire à la that between North and South Korea. There's a never-ending standoff at the demarcation line, with constant vigilance on both sides: remakes pull their pants down and wave their asses about, taunting not only to remake the most beloved films in the genre, but also to remake the remakes. Over the line, fans fume and foam and rage, moan and bemoan, and then hand over their dollars. So it has been and so it shall ever be.

As for me, I try, at least, to be largely open-minded about these things. Sure, I don't much see the point of a new version of whatever. Sure, sometimes I see a trailer (like this one for the most recent Carrie remake) and I am all "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, TRAILER FOR THE MOST RECENT CARRIE REMAKE"...but hey, sometimes remakes are good. Sometimes they are really good! And they're not much worth getting our collective thongs in a twist over- no matter what, the originals ain't goin' nowhere. You can't touch old Carrie, new Carrie! I'll just watch that! And as for you, middle Carrie remake, I've never seen you, so just keep quiet!

You know, something like that.

Anyway, all this brings us to Evil Dead, director Fede Alvarez's rehashening of Sam Raimi's beloved 1981 film. Man oh man, when this project was announced one hundred years ago, you could feel the burning gaze of indignant horror fans right through your computer screen and smell their smoldering black novelty t-shirts on the wind. Was Diablo Cody really going to write it? Was there really going to be an Evil Dead without Bruce Campbell? Would someone really dare to make Ashley J. Williams a girl? Froth froth froth.

Then last Friday came, Evil Dead opened, and fans around the world started touching themselves over Alvarez's efforts, hailing it as one of the best horror films of recent memory. But is it, though? Is it? THIS IS THE TIME WHEN I TELL YOU WHAT I THINK.

As in the original version and also 63% of all horror films, Evil Dead puts five young folk in a cabin in the woods, then later violent mayhem ensues. Rather than the typical sex-n-drugs-n-Jenga setup, however, Alvarez and co-writer Rodo Sayagues ground the weekend getaway idea with a wee bit of gravitas: Mia (Jane Levy) is at the cabin to detox, her friends and estranged brother David (Shiloh Fernandez) are there to hold her hand, hold her hair while she barfs, and help her through it.

It's an admirable attempt by the filmmakers to elevate Evil Dead above the typical brainless horror fare, but ultimately the drug angle is only a MacGuffin to get the gang into the middle of nowhere. It doesn't prove as central as it could have, or maybe as it should have. As a narrator, Mia is highly suspect and hey, maybe she's just seeing things or making shit up so she can go home. Are these happenings really happening? I am just saying, maybe a little suspense would have been nice, a little metaphor use to jazz things up. After all, this is Evil Dead and we all know how it's going to go: you find a book bound in human flesh and inked in human blood, you read from a book bound in human flesh and inked in human blood, everyone goes deadly nutcake, the end.

Maybe it's best that there was minimal setup, though. Don't get me wrong, I loves me some character development (I yearn for it, really) and I'm willing to wait a long while for things to actually happen, but here is a sample of the dialogue:

"Mia, exposition exposition. Exposition."
"But David, exposition! Exposition exposition EXPOSITION."

And so on. It was pretty dreadful. Couple that with a few Telegraphed Horror Movie Moments™(gee, I wonder if that nail gun we're seeing in close-up will be used on a person an hour from now!) and unfortunately, I was getting impatient for these fools to wander into the basement, open the book, and get on with it already. Then they did, dropping any pretense at character development, metaphor, or whatever. They really got on with it. What I mean is, Evil Dead is profoundly violent and so effing gory, I can't believe it was playing next door to, you know, Tyler Perry's Whatever Whatever at the cinemovieplex. It's rated like a pirate-level ARRRRRRR, the R is so hard. Razor blades, needles, electric knives, chainsaws (of course), yes, the aforementioned nail gun...I haven't seen this much blood flying on the screen since...well, ever.

The gore, in fact, is likely the biggest thing Evil Dead has going for it. Jane Levy does an alright job as Mia- she's best when she's possessed- but ultimately the acting and the script are the weak links in the chain. Remember when everyone was so concerned about the possibility of a "girl Ash"? Well, for most of the film "David" fills that role and let me tell you, a Real Girl Ash would have been about as exciting and emotive. Not that one goes into Evil Dead expecting a well-acted treatise on the human condition or what have you (the original certainly wasn't that), but pile up enough questionable actions by the characters and all the dopey dialogue and you realize it's really just an okay package in an exceedingly dazzling wrapper.

There is fanservice aplenty throughout the film with winks, nods, and Easter eggs, from Cheryl's demon voice to Sam Raimi's infamous Oldsmobile to the sly use of the original's iconic poster art. It's fun, if nothing else.

And then there's the tree rape.

Of the sequence in his film, Sam Raimi said, years later, "I think it was unnecessarily gratuitous and a little too brutal." He's right, but then The Evil Dead is a pretty brutal film, nearly as gory as its remake. The sequence returns in 2013, but it's surprisingly tamer- see, it's not the trees raping Mia as they did Cheryl; it's more of a wormy, slimy, branch-y thing barfed up by a deadite witch that then makes its way between Mia's legs. It's more Cronenbergian than its predecessor, but it's still gratuitous. The rules of possession in Evil Dead are fast and loose- sometimes it's transmitted by bite, sometimes...not? It just...is?- and so there's no reason the wormy, slimy, branch-y thing couldn't have been barfed out of one mouth and forced down another. It would have provoked the requisite hoots and hollers from the audience, which, you know, would have been more palatable than a rape scene doing the same.

Sure, the old "Well, what do you expect from a horror movie?" arguments can be trotted out here, but when we live in a culture where defense lawyers claim that 11-year-olds are willing participants when they're gang-raped, when politicians bandy about terms like "legitimate rape" and offer up scientific "facts" about pregnancies resulting from rape, scenes like that in Evil Dead do matter. They're worth talking about, even if it's fantasy.

So all in all, I suppose it depends what you're looking for; I mean, it's not as if the movie isn't fun in that exceedingly gory, "is this really fun?" kind of way. Strip away the blood and guts, though, and there's not much left. When it was all over, my lasting impression was an intense desire to go home and watch the original.

By: Unknown On 12.11

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Film Club: Deadly Blessing

I'm...not exactly sure how to write about Wes Craven's 1981 shocker Shocker Deadly Blessing. It's kind of a seven-layer dip of a movie: all these different flavors competing with each other but trying to work together, turning into a big mess that sits in your stomach like a gelatinous lump of regret. Mind you, the regret comes later; while you're eating it, your eyes focus on some distant, imaginary point and you find yourself saying a little too loudly, "I don't know what's happening to me and I'm not sure if I entirely like it, but I might and so I'll just keep going." Yes, in this way Deadly Blessing is exactly like a seven-layer dip.

So you've got Jim (Douglas Barr) and his wife Martha (Maren Jensen, who was Athena on the original Battlestar Galactica and what more do you need to know) tending to their farm in a young, carefree fashion. To one side of their land they've got the Hittites, a wackadoo religious sect led by Isaiah (Ernest fucking Borgnine). On t'other they've got Louisa (Lois Nettleton) and Faith (a pre-nosejob Lisa Hartman), a wackadoo mother and daughter.

And then stuff happens.

I mean really, it's true- a bunch of stuff happens and I swear, I was scratching my head trying to connect the dots to basically no avail. Stuff. Just. Happens.

• In the dead of night, Jim gets run over in his barn by his tractor. Was someone driving the tractor? We don't know.
• Hittite Michael Berryman lurks a lot, and for a while you think "Okay, so Deadly Blessing is about this creeper..." but then he's stabbed and killed by someone. BUT WHO, DEADLY BLESSING? BUT WHO.
• Isaiah calls all the non-Hittite women "incubus". What? Does he mean "succubus"? Does he mean anything? We don't know.

Isaiah about to slap the Satan right outta dat William Katt-alike

• Lana (Sharon Stone) and Vicky (Susan Buckner), old pals of Martha, show up to help the young widow ease into young widowhood.
• A dog gets a blast of mace to the face!
• "You are a stench in a nostril to God." - Isaiah
• Lana starts dreaming about a guy and spiders and a guy who is a spider, and everyone is like "Shut up, Lana."
• Sharon Stone, amirite? I mean, in this movie a spider goes in her mouth! She did a shit ton of work before 1992, when a simple flash-o-vagina brought her stardom in Basic Instinct. I am just saying, let's give that broad some credit. If not for this, then for 1984's Calendar Girl Murders.
  
• Ill-timed, overblown music cues turn ordinary moments into big exciting movie moments, like, say, Martha putting her hair in a ponytail.
• Lana has a run-in with some spiders and maybe a guy in the barn and she cries a lot, and everyone is like "Get over it, Lana."
• Someone is killing people! Sometimes by practical means, like stabbing or setting a car on fire with the driver inside...and sometimes by nonsensical means, like putting a snake in a bathtub. And I'm going to pretend that the shot of Nancy in the tub in A Nightmare on Elm Street was Wes Craven saying "Hey guys, remember when I had this same shot in Deadly Blessing? What the heck was with that movie, anyway? That was some seven-layer dip shit!"

• Lana goes to pour some milk only to discover that someone has replaced the milk with Folgers Crystals blood! She screams and makes a mess everywhere, and everyone is like "Lana, GO HOME."
• There's a coffin full of chickens.

Y'all, this movie is really as all-over-the-place as I've made it out to be. Deadly Blessing is a hot mess, a bunch of storylines competing for dominance and making practically no sense.

But then...the last ten minutes. I'm not going to give away anything here, because...the last ten minutes of this film should not be given away. Let me just say that it's jaw-dropping. It is women punching, shooting, flying around due to punches and/or gunshots, and making crazy faces. It is a big pile of total what-the-fuckery, and it completely redeems all that came before. And just when you think it is over, it is not. And then your jaw- still dropped!- will say "fuck this" and throw itself out your window. It's amazing.

So for that and also this production still of Martha, Lana, and Vicky? I will certainly regret you later, Deadly Blessing, but for now...you win. You win.

Totally lezzed out together in college.

-------------------------------------------------
Give it up for the Film Club Coolies!
-------------------------------------------------
Slasher Studios
The Life and Times of a Cineman
Soresport Movies
KL5-FILM
Filmiliarity
Vegan Voorhees
JDC's Little Hill
Zombie Club
Into the Mirror
Aphorisms and Ectoplasm
Mermaid Heather
nijomu

By: Unknown On 12.16

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gather 'round, yon film clubbers...

...it's time to pick a pick, so pick I shall.

This month's movie is...dun dun dunnnnn...

I know I've seen this. I have a vague, brief memory of seeing it at the drive-in with my parents when I was a wee bonny lass. Maybe it's the fact that I'm an old, or maybe I didn't pay attention to the movie at the time, or maybe it's so terrible my brain purged it upon completion...whatever the reason, I don't remember a single thing about this movie. Not one single thing! Hooray!

HOORAY? you say? Yes! Dudes, even if it stinks, we can't go wrong with Deadly Blessing. It's co-written and directed by Wes Craven! Sharon Stone is in it! It's from the year of all years, 1981! It's got religious cuckoo nutsos in it!

Okay, so maybe we can go very, very wrong with Deadly Blessing...but I. Don't. Care. At least we'll all be together in the misery. Dangerous and exciting!

The movie: Deadly Blessing (1981)
The due date: Monday, August 13
The deal:

1. watch the movie
2. link to Final Girl somewhere in your review
3. email me the link: stacieponder at gmail dot com
4. bask in the warm embrace of your fellow Film Clubbers

That's it! If you wrote a review of Deadly Blessing a million years ago and you want to be included, that's fine. Just add the link to Final Girl in there somewhere and send it along.

Aww yiss.

By: Unknown On 08.46

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Film Club: Hell Night

I wrote a review of Hell Night many a moon ago (2006! what the heck!), so, you know. That's pretty much taken care of. But I watched the film again last night in preparation for this Film Club meeting that has been called to order, and I jotted some notes and thoughts and musings whilst doing said watching. I will share in a moment, but first let me say that I was curious to see if I still liked this movie a whole mess- after all, sometimes opinions change, right? It can be bittersweet to let go of a childhood friend with a "Oh muh gah, I liked this movie? How much paste did I eat in the 80s?"

The good news is, I still loves me some Hell Night! Sure, she's got some pacing issues, but who among us doesn't? It happens with age. Sure, she's got some other issues as well, but who among us doesn't have a truckload of baggage? It happens with life. So now, here are some thoughts I had whilst a-watchin':

• RED TITLES. They were ubiquitous back in the day (for reals. check out this gallery.) and I miss 'em. I'm not really one for big fancy title sequences in general- keep it simple, stupid! And RED.
• PETER BARTON. Another 80s mainstay! Where is Peter Barton now? Is he dead? I have a feeling he's dead. Mind you, I have no proof of that and I can't be bothered to look it up...and he's not the only WHERE ARE THEY NOW person I feel that way about. I assume the broad from Ice Castles is dead, too. It's just a thing I have.
• I JUST REMEMBERED that Linda Blair dated Rick James. Kids on cocaine do the darndest things!
• I LOVE LOVE LOVE the legend of Garth Manor. And why not? Who doesn't love a good campfire tale? Only jerks, that's who. Whether it's Hell Night or Friday the 13th Part II or Madman, I find that these stories about wackadoos from years past really give the films some atmosphere. They instantly bring to mind being a young'un, telling dopey yarns and doing dopey things- heading off into the woods in search of a mythical Satanic church, that sort of jazz. Kids who love horror movies do the darndest things!
• MAN they sure say "radical" a lot in Hell Night. This is in addition to the other gems of dialogue, such as "Quaaludes are murder on my skin!" and "The whole world's gone mad!"
• LINDA BLAIR is not always the most convincing actress. Yes, we all love her, but I think it's okay to admit this. She certainly screams well enough, though.
• MARTI is not the gold standard of Final Girls. Sure, she's the Final Girl and as such, she earns points for simply surviving the (Hell) night, but she just sort of cowers and shrieks through the whole movie. I would do the same, I suppose, but still. At least she wears a cameo choker the whole time!
  
• CORPSE PARTY! INEFFECTIVE AUTHORITY FIGURES! Oh Hell Night, you drag out all the tropes. You could go through Slashers 101 while watching this movie and check off pretty much the whole book.
• YES THAT WAS A SHAMELESS PLUG FOR MY COMIC.
• POOR SETH. He should have been Final Boy, I swear. He gets away, tries to find help, runs all over town, gets a gun and a car, goes back to the source of danger, kills a Garth, and then...gets dead. This is not fair!
• WHAT DID THE GARTHS EAT whilst holed away in their dusty manor? Rats and stuff, I guess. Or maybe they had a potato patch on the grounds that we didn't see.
• YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, Andrew Garth impaled on the fence all bloody-mouthed is a pretty cool end.

So there! I think my love for Hell Night is cemented in foreverness. The gothic angle gives it some pure panache and sets it apart from its slasher contemporaries. Hell Night is boss, and yet oh- why is it so often overlooked? It is a mystery worth ten Jessica Fletchers for sure. As for me, I'll be gorking out for a long time to come.

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FILM CLUB COOLIES
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Slasher Studios
Kindertrauma
Thrill Me
Old Horror Movies (.net)
Movie Locations and More: Not a review, but check out these pics of a location visit!
The Movie Waffler
Sticky Red
Zombie Club
Scare Tactic
Vegan Voorhees: Lego. FOR REAL.
Greetings from Movie City USA
Life Between Frames
The House of Sparrows
The Scream Queen
Soresport Movies
Montana Mancave Massacre
Cinema Gonzo
The Great White Dope's mecha-blog-zilla
KL5-FILM
Scarina's Scary Vault of Scariness
Film Shuffle

By: Unknown On 10.22

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Film Club: The Funhouse

When I was in my early teens I had this best friend, and this best friend had an older sister. She was just a couple of years older, but old enough that we were never in the same school at the same time...if she actually went to school. I'm not entirely sure she did, to be honest. She was a bit of a metalhead burnout, I guess you could say. She had walls covered with posters from Creem magazine, a grimy jean jacket, and long, perfectly straight hair parted down the middle...hair she'd spend hours on, although you'd never guess it. Her younger sister found her completely irritating, but I found her completely fascinating. I was infatuated with her in that way that girls have, where they can become totally consumed by anyone who is not just like them (see also: Chris Hargensen in Carrie, Jennifer Check in Jennifer's Body). She was so different than my awkward, nerdy, studious self. Where did she go? How did she spend her time? The truth is she probably just got high with her friends in the McDonald's parking lot, but in my mind whatever she did was even more illicit than that. I've no idea why, but I've always been into sleaze...and if I'm calling her a touch sleazy, I mean it as a compliment.

I say all this because The Funhouse is, to me at least, the cinematic equivalent of that older sister. It came along in 1981, during the prime time for the slasher flick, and yet it's always been a bit outside the pantheon, lurking on the fringes. It's the seedy older sister to movies like Halloween, all scuzzy and sexed-up and illicit-feeling. In The Funhouse, the good girl- the final girl- will go all the way on the first date. In The Funhouse, monstrously deformed men pay $100 for a handjob while a low-rent magician smokes and mumbles his way through his act.


I hadn't seen this film in years before resurrecting it for Film Club and I have to say- it's aged well. I find my admiration of it, in fact, has grown beyond the nostalgia-wrapped love I have for everything from my youth- a reaction most unexpected. In The Funhouse, shit be crazy!

Despite the warnings of her father, Amy (Elizabeth Berridge) heads off to the carnival on a double date. They ride the rides, gawk at the sideshow, peep at the peepshow, and generally do all the things one does when the carnival rolls into town. When it's time to split, however, Richie (Miles Chapin) has a big idea: why not spend the night in the funhouse, like, doin' it and stuff? The girls agree and parents are called, but Amy's younger brother Joey (Shawn Carson) knows the truth- he snuck out of the house and followed her. He watches as Amy and her date ride into the funhouse, and he waits but they never come out.


While inside, the couples watch as a carnival worker dressed as Frankenstein gets a handjob from the fortune teller, Madame Zena (Sylvia fucking Miles). When he...finishes a bit too quickly, he wants his $100 back but Zena refuses to return it. Things escalate and turn violent, and Zena winds up dead. Amy and her friends have seen the whole thing transpire, and now they just want to go home. Before they can find a way out, however, the murderer's father is alerted to their presence and he sends his son after them. They'll get rid of the bodies and the carnival will roll away in the morning, no one the wiser.

Oh yeah...and his son is somehow monstrously deformed.


What The Funhouse gets right, it really gets right- and what it really gets right is atmosphere. This movie nails the carnival aesthetic better than any other movie I've seen; when I was a young-un, the Coleman Brothers show came to town every summer and it was just like this, from the constant refrain of "A-live, a-live, a-live..." to the dinginess to that other world behind the tents to...hell, even the scattered hay in the parking lot. This is as genuine a portrait of the cheap carnival as you're going to get, and it instantly brought to mind that Bikini Kill song (oddly enough, it's called "Carnival") which also sums up the experience so succinctly- "This is a song about 16-year-old girls giving carnies head for free rides and hits of pot...I'll win that Motley Crue mirror if it fucking kills me...see the girls with the feathered hair- they're wearing plastic, not real leather."


Plastic, not real leather: that whole "reality vs illusion" is a big theme at work in this film. At every turn, Tobe Hooper plays with our expectations and reveals the truth behind the facades. The film opens with a sequence that pays heavy homage to both Halloween and Psycho, as we follow a masked killer's POV into the shower, where Amy is brutally stabbed...with a rubber knife. Later, as Joey walks to the carnival, a man pulls over and offers him a ride, only to immediately pull out a shotgun and threaten him with it...as a joke. The low-rent magician kills a young woman on stage, but of course she turns out to be his assistant (and daughter). The villain of the piece wears a hideous mask, which only hides the even greater horrors underneath. And no matter how much the incessant laughter of the wonk-eyed animatronic fat lady tries to convince us, the funhouse is anything but all fun. Simply put, appearances are not to be trusted.


And what of that Frankenstein get-up worn by the monster, the one echoed in the Frankenstein poster on Joey's wall? There are certainly parallels between the old Universal monster and the one in The Funhouse- both, in essence, are created by man and then shunned by their creators. Both have urges they can't understand and emotions they're unable to keep in check, and both are ultimately tragic figures with whom the audience might sympathize a bit. Still, in The Funhouse the boy's father does reluctantly come around and show some begrudging love for his son. When he tells the doomed teenagers that he can't let them go because "blood is thicker than water", he's obviously referencing one of Hooper's favorite themes- family. The monster's murders don't really matter, we're told, until he kills Madame Zena: one of their own, a member of the carny family. To differing degrees, both Amy and the monster have dysfunctional home environments; the carnival is an obvious band of misfits, but even Amy's lovely nuclear family hides ugliness, with an ineffective father and an alcoholic, indifferent mother. In fact, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Eaten Alive, and The Funhouse make for quite a trilogy, that of the fucked-up family...but perhaps a fucked-up family is better than none.


There's also the vile whiff of pedophilia throughout the film, as the carny father waxes a little too enthusiastically about the "girl scouts" from a town or two ago. Let's not overlook the carny who finds Joey on the grounds after hours and gazes at the sleeping boy a little too fondly and touches him a little too tenderly. It's that sleaze factor rearing its head again! I even found a bit of Deliverance in the film this time- there are class issues at work with the privileged suburban kids heading into the hinterlands for some fun, only to mock everything and everyone they see. The tables are turned and the "other" strikes back the only way it knows how: with violence. Man, who knew that The Funhouse was a gift that'd keep on giving? It wasn't that kind of movie in my memory, that's for sure.

In my memory, it was a slasher flick- a seedy one, as I said, but a slasher flick just the same, complete with the requisite crazy townsperson doomsayer bleating about the wrath of God to indifferent teenagers. As such, it's still an effective film, if a little slow at times- it's scary and unsettling, and surprisingly light on the explicit violence and gore. What's most surprising, though, is that The Funhouse may have a little more going on under the surface than you might anticipate. Wait, it's playing with my expectations again...Funhouse, you're blowing my mind!


Film Club Coolies, y'all- big turnout this time! Give 'em some love:
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Things That Don't Suck
Chadzilla ROARS!
Sucker Punch Cinema
The Horror Section
From Midnight, With Love
Scarina's Scary Vault of Scariness
In One Ear...
The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense
Zombie Cupcake
The Horror Digest
The United Provinces of Ivanlandia
Vegan Voorhees
Banned in Queensland
Confessions of a Contented Wallflower
The House of Sparrows
The Verdant Dude
I Will Devour Your Content
The Girl Who Loves Horror
Dave's Blog About Movies and Such
Cinema Gonzo
Strange Spanners
My Daily BM Downloads
Maynard Morrisey's Horror Movie Diary
Pussy Goes Grrr
This Girl Digs Horror
The Son of Madblood!

By: Unknown On 14.17

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SHOCKtober: My GD Top 20

I received numerous- and I do mean numerous as in "consisting of great numbers", from the Latin "numerosus"- lite complaints about how got-danged difficult it was to come up with a Top 20 favorites list. 20 seems like a large enough number, but you're talking about your favorite genre, 20 ain't nothin'. It was part of my plan all along to include a list of my Top 20 and let me tell you, my friends- I feel your pain. I wrote down a whole bunch of titles without thinking much about it- basically, whatever favorites popped into my head immediately- and found that I had written over 30 of them. Then came the culling and man...it was tough.

I didn't want to put any parameters on my selections; I didn't want to leave a movie out because it's a typical Top 20 choice. I didn't want to include something simply because it's a "classic" and it's "good". If my list consisted of 11 Friday the 13th films and 9 Nightmare on Elm Streets, so be it (it doesn't). When narrowing it down, I eventually took to comparing titles in pairs in a head-to-head cage match for a place on the list- which do I like better, this...or that? The winner made the list, the loser stuck in runner-up land. It really was not easy, and on paper my list is a mess of scribbles and crossings-outs and writes and re-writes. I look at it here and I feel pretty good about it, but then I can hear Let the Right One in banging on my door, crying "Let Me In!"...SEE WHAT I DID THERE.

These aren't in any particular order. I've written about most of these movies before- some so many times I really don't have anything groundbreaking to say about them here. Click the links if you want to know more, whether it's a review or my willies list or scenes I love or some such.


The Exorcist (1973, William Friedkin)

This is one of those "Well, it's such a typical list choice, I shouldn't choose to list it" movies, but you know...fuck that. It's a masterful study of religion and man's place in the universe as well as a parable about puberty.

Oh yeah...and it's terrifying.

For me, it remains one of the very few movies I'd rather not watch alone with the lights off. It still gets under my skin, after all these years; I never seem to get desensitized to it, and that's a very good thing.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974, Tobe Hooper)

This move is so damn powerful and so damn important to the genre that it's still regularly ripped-off more than 30 years since it was made (seriously, if I never see another "crazy family dinner scene" again, I'll be happy).

It was made with little money under excruciating circumstances for the cast...and it's in the permanent collection of the Museum of Modern Art, which...I don't know. Proves something or other, I'm sure. The low budget quality gives the film its infamous verité feel- countless people have wondered if what they're watching is real. Yes, those people are gullible to the point of stupidity, perhaps, but there's no denying the snuff-like, almost forbidden quality of TCM. Leatherface remains one of the scariest, most fucked-up movie monsters ever to grace the screen, and Sally Hardesty remains one of the most resolute final girls. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre remains a slice of cinematic perfection.

The Shining (1980, Stanley Kubrick)

For me, The Shining is a gift that keeps on giving. When I was but a wee bonny lass, the more obvious hallmarks were the things that kept me up at night: the Grady sisters, the axe through the door, the water-logged dead woman. Over the years, those scenes and images remain some of my favorites, sure, but every time I watch the film I have a new favorite thing, a new favorite scene or moment- why, right now, I'm all about the symmetry and Shelley Duvall. Oh, and the poster above Dick Halloran's bed. And the score. And Danny's sweaters. And...


Friday the 13th: Part II (1981, Steve Miner)

Even among horror fans, the Friday the 13th films have the reputation of being a bit scuzzy, a little sleazy, and the generally the least that the genre has to offer. They're pretty stupid, the characters are paper-thin at best, and they amount to little more than teenagers and assorted weirdos getting butchered in increasingly ludicrous ways by a maniac who shouldn't even exist. You know, I can't really disagree with any of that, but it doesn't prevent me from having a Friday the 13th-shaped place in my heart. Perhaps it's largely due to nostalgia, having grown up with a few years' worth of Fridays; perhaps I don't care. Part II, wherein a sack-wearing Jason Voorhees takes up the machete to avenge his mother's death is, to my mind, a quintessential slasher flick.

Martyrs (2008, Pascal Laugier)

I know- I keep talking about this film without ever really saying anything substantial. One of these days I swear I'll give Martyrs the write-up it deserves (or, I suppose I should say: the best write-up I can give it), but now is not the time. Thought-provoking, horrifying, moving, astounding- this movie knocked me on my ass the first time I saw it and while I was sure I'd never want to watch it again, I couldn't stop thinking about it. The next thing I know, I was watching it again. The second time around, it knocked me on my ass again for reasons far beyond the violence and brutality...but that's all for some future post. Ha!

The Descent (2005, Neil Marshall)

Lawdamighty, how I've gone on and on about this movie. What else is left for me to say? I fucking love it, so here it is in my Top 20 favorites. End of story.







The Blair Witch Project (1999, Daniel Myrick & Eduardo Sanchez)

From my review: "All my gushing isn't to say the film is perfect- it's far from it. There are "plot holes", if you will, that you can fly a broomstick through (hi, the map incident, anyone?). But ultimately, I'm a big fat scaredy baby when it comes to things that go bump in the night- and in The Blair Witch Project, they're making noise right outside your door. And I don't care what you say- you know the last 10 minutes of this movie...the 10 minutes in the fucking house- rock your face off."

Yup. Still feel that way.

Day of the Dead (1985, George Romero)

Wait...what? I'm listing Day? Day of the Dead, when Dawn and Night are out there? Yes. That's exactly what I'm doing. Of Romero's original undead trilogy, Day gets the least amount of love from fans and dammit...I think it deserves more. It's got humor, but it never really sinks into outright silliness the way Dawn does. Sarah makes for an interesting- if not always likable- heroine. There are the director's patented Bigger Ideas at Play going on, of course, with all those "who are the real monsters here?" Army a-holes. The film predates CGI core and features some of Tom Savini's best FX work- of particular note is the shot of a gut full of guts sliding out and falling to the ground with a nauseating splash. Then there's Bub, and the shot of all the zombies descending on that massive cargo elevator- bitchin'. Yeah, everyone yells a lot and that's irritating, but big deal! Maybe I love Day so much because it was the first zombie movie I was really allowed to see. Big deal! This is my list, not yours, so choke on 'em! Wow, why am I getting so touchy about this? Must be all that yelling. It...affects a person.

The Evil Dead (1981, Sam Raimi)

I don't worship at the altar of Bruce Campbell and I've never even seen Army of Darkness- but goldurnit, I fucking love The Evil Dead. I originally saw it Once Upon a Time, and let me tell you- the absurdity and humor of it were completely lost on me. None of it was funny to me, not one bit, and it scared the hell out of me. A possessed Cheryl trying to break out of the cellar, pencils stabbed through ankles, the dead not staying dead, claymation faces melting away...what's not to love? Well, maybe the raped-by-a-tree scene, but still.


Halloween (1978, John Carpenter)

Halloween is also a quintessential slasher flick, if not THE quintessential slasher flick. It rises so far above all of its subgenre siblings, though, thanks to the sublime direction of John Carpenter, the entirely believable performance by Jamie Lee Curtis, the timeless, terrifying score, the faceless evil of Michael Myers, the--eh, I could go on and on, but why bother? If you've never seen Halloween, I'm not sure what you're doing here. I mean, welcome and all, but you've never seen Halloween? Really?



The Silence of the Lambs (1991, Jonathan Demme)

Plenty of people say this is not a horror movie. I think it is, and it's also one of my favorites, so voila. You know, I'm totally the type of person who says the Academy Awards are worthless when I find they're not bestowed on the films or actors I think they should be in a given year (I'll never stop bitching about Ellen Burstyn losing to Julia Roberts- never! I'll be complaining about that on my deathbed)...but man, Silence sweeping the Oscars was so very, very right. So right. In every respect, this film is a masterpiece- and I'll be damned if you can find a more feminist piece of filmmaking in all of horrorland. In related news, I've seen this movie a zillion times, but it wasn't until my most recent viewing that I noticed George Romero in his cameo role.

The Thing (1982, John Carpenter)

THE monster movie. THE. THEEEEE. Seriously, the creature FX work of Rob Bottin blew my little mind and continue to do such to my larger mind. Let's face it, it's gross. The horror goes deeper than that, however, as The Thing becomes less about The Thing and more about isolation and paranoia. And beards. The minimal cast is impeccable, the locations stark, the humor black, and the hero undeniably cool and oh-so-Carpenter. There's a prequel in the works and while I'll reserve judgment until I see it, at night the wind whispers "C...G...I...creeeeaaaturessssss" and I cry.


The Haunting (1963, Robert Wise)

There are many, many fantastic ghost stories out there, but The Haunting is simply my favorite. I summed it up as such in my review: "Four people, each in their own way wanting desperately to be accepted and to belong, staying in one very, very bad house." That's it. The film taps into that primal fear of childhood- the fear of the dark, of the things you can't see that go bump in the night. Besides being a terrific pull the covers up to your chin kind of movie, The Haunting is also a compelling character study of loneliness. Heartstopping and heartbreaking. I love love love this movie.


Salem's Lot (1979, Tobe Hooper)

THIS WAS MADE FOR TV. That statement, once and for all, proves that the old days were better. Seriously. Social networking, hybrid cars, iPods, microwaveable macaroni and cheese...fuck 'em. There were horror movies made for TV 30 years ago that are leagues better than theatrically-released horror movies of The Now. What's going on in made for TV horror today? Syfy bullshit. Yes, we all get a chuckle, perhaps, out of Sharktoface vs Octosaurus, but come on. In the old days, we had Salem's Lot. The end.

I love the melodrama and the slo-oo-ooow build of Salem's Lot. I love that Mr. Barlow descends upon the town like a plague, infecting it long before we ever see him. I love how GD scary it all is, for vampires are so very often not scary at all- from Mrs. Glick's resurrection in the morgue to Ralphie floating and scratching in the fog outside the window to Barlow himself (only Nosferatu looks more horrifying), it's simply a big pile of fang-riddled greatness.

[REC] (2007, Jaume Balaguero, Paco Plaza)

I was not expecting [REC] to come out of nowhere like that and punch me in the face with two big fists of awesome. I was not expecting a film to come along 10 years after The Blair Witch Project and make P.O.V. horror fresh again- fresh, and maybe better than it ever was. It's fast and bloody and startling and a relentless, extended jump-scare...then Balaguero and Plaza slam on the brakes with a finale that had me holding my breath and gave me nightmares. Yup, unexpected. Yup, awesome. Yup, a favorite.



28 Days Later (2002, Danny Boyle)

This Romero-zombie-trilogy-in-1 film has more heart, really, than all three Romero zombie flicks combined. Yes, 28 Days Later revitalized the zombie genre (it did, whether you think the rage-infected folk are actually "zombies" or not); it sparked the "running zombies" controversy that continues even to this day in the hearts, minds, and mouths of horror fans everywhere (it did, whether you think the rage-infected folk are actually "zombies" or not); it's a top-notch scary movie, straight-up. What sets it apart, though, is, as I mentioned, the heart of it all. There are countless touches throughout that put some meat on the bones of this thriller- from the goodbye note left by Jim's parents to the echoes of 9/11 in the countless "LOST" postings to the first time Selena smiles to Frank blowing a kiss to the horses running free, the movie draws you in and you suddenly find yourself invested and caring without knowing much about anybody.

Here's something, though- whenever a list of "kick-ass horror chicks" or something equally inane comes along, why is it that Selena is so often overlooked? Hmm? What a great character. Remember her, won't you, and put her alongside your Ripleys and your Ginnys.

The Fog (1980, John Carpenter)

Fog is scary. The Fog is scary. Now that the deep, philosophical ruminations are out of the way...

I heart this movie so much that I hearted it in the I Heart...series. The list of reasons why I love is too long to go into here, so you'll have to click if you want to read 'em. Or maybe the fact that it's here is good enough for you and you don't want or need to read more. I don't know. I don't live your life.



Creepshow (1982, George Romero)

Hey remember when I was just talking about Creepshow recently? Uh huh. I talk about Creepshow quite often. I can't help it. I want to be buried with a copy of Creepshow. Then I want to claw my way out of the ground, clutching it. Then I want to watch it again.

Adrienne Barbeau and Tom Atkins in the same movie. All the other awesomeness of Creepshow aside, those two people guarantee it a place on my favorites list.


Session 9 (2001, Brad Anderson)

This movie about the evil that lurks within all of us is also a damn scary psychological haunted house flick. Chilling and atmospheric, Session 9 seems spare on the surface but rewards repeat viewings.







Candyman (1992, Bernard Rose)

This movie is just so damn good. It's gory. It's terrifying. And, as I said in my review, "More than sheer visceral thrills, however, Candyman works so well because it's a film that's got something to say: it's a meditation on racism, classism, fame, inner city economics, crime, and the power of myth. It's a very smart movie." So there.





PHEW! There they are, my GD top 20. No one in the history of ever has struggled as greatly as I struggled to produce this list. EVER. As I said (and as you'd expect), this list came out with scars. Some dear movies were lost along the way, and I'd like to pay tribute to those casualties right now- those movies that I love but crossed out, those that bubbled under the surface, begging me to make a list of 21 or 31 or any number greater than 20 so they could stand up here alongside their GD brethren. Let's take a moment, shall we?

• The Ring
• Don't Look Now
• A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors
• Night of the Living Dead (1968)
• Pieces
• Black Christmas
• Let the Right One In
• Wrong Turn

Geez, I really love John Carpenter movies. Let's face it, from the mid-70s to the mid-80s, the dude couldn't be touched.

By: Unknown On 13.58

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