Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice

Can you believe that the world had to wait until 1992 for a CotC sequel? Sure, eight years is an awfully long time, but let's face it: finery such as this needs to gestate. You can't rush a masterpiece, amirite? I am.

I know what you're thinking: sure, masterpieces can't be rushed. But Stacie, are you really calling Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice a masterpiece?

OF COURSE I AM! Look, the movie begins with a corpse party when all the dead adults of Gatlin, Nebraska are found. Usually we have to wait until the last ten minutes of a horror movie for someone to stumble upon a room full of bodies- but not here. The Final Sacrifice flouts conventions and busts out the awesome right from the get-go and it just doesn't stop. To wit, the film features:

• a character- whose last name is Casual- wearing a t-shirt with shoulder pads
• a sadistic youth wearing the same shirt as CotC's Malachi...but he's named Mordechai
• a wise Native American named Frank Redbear who tells the story of the corn and stuff via petroglyph reading
• "FRANK REDBEAR"
• the line "What is all this shit about the corn?"
• there is some fine-ass world's first CGI / Spencer's Gifts effects going on as New Isaac Micah's body is disassembled and...reassembled?...in the void? I don't know, there were a lot of globular things floating around
• everything in the two movies so far is apparently caused by moldy corn
• we are regularly treated to He Who Walks Behind the Rows-Cam. He Who Walks Behind the Rows really gets around, and perhaps should also be called He Who Stands by the Side of the Road and/or He Who Hangs Out in the Woods
• the children of the corn take control of an elderly woman's electric wheelchair via remote control and steer her out into traffic...she is then hit by a dump truck. Woman and chair fly through the air and crash through a storefront window and it's probably the best thing I'm going to see all day ever
• the Good Guys (including Shoulder Pads Casual) set Frank Redbear atop a funeral pyre in the middle of a corn field (don't worry, he was dead) and then drive off into the sunrise, never stopping to consider that perhaps there's a Gladys Redbear or something out there who may want to know where the fuck her husband is

I mean, I kind of feel like The Final Sacrifice is a secret that's been kept from me for the last 20 years. HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD ALL OF YOU?

Now then, I am on to the third film. How does this make sense when Part II was supposed to be the final sacrifice? I can't wait to find out!

Oh, and remember: today is the Corn-ening-a-thon. If you haven't pitched in to the Alex and Jo fund, please consider it!

By: Unknown On 08.24

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Children of the Corn

Is it just me, or was Children of the Corn a veritable classic back in the 80s? I mean, it was the thing to see for a good long while, at least among the young folk. Killer kids movies were few and far between during that time: Village of the Damned and The Bad Seed were well behind us, Birthday of Blood was obscure...there simply wasn't much out there for those of us looking for a good old-fashioned children vs adults flick- which, by the way, is what everybody should be looking for if you ask me. It's no surprise, then, that Isaac and Malachi walked out of the corn and into our hearts. But! How does it hold up after all these years?

Pretty well, for the most part. The culling scenes that start the film are effective and are good at establishing that the kids of Gatlin, Nebraska are a bunch of dead-eyed assholes. It's still a delight to see Malachi get his just desserts. He Who Walks Behind the Rows is still a mystery wrapped in dodgy special effects. The plot still relies on the stupidity of the main characters.

Don't you miss Linda Hamilton? I sure do. She was such a fixture of the mid-late 80s, it bums me out that she's been MIA practically ever since. Unfortunately, the woman who personified badassery as Sarah Connor in Terminator is stuck playing a 2-note character in CotC; those two notes, incidentally, are "nag" and "whimper/scream helplessly". Vicky seems solely to exist to give her boyfriend Burt (Peter Horton) someone to rescue. She's completely useless, like a soggy piece of white bread in the bottom of a kitchen sink. It's a shame, a waste, a travesty I tells ya!

But all in all, Children of the Corn is still a decent way to spend an hour and a half. You could make a drinking game out of it by taking a shot every time there's a close-up of a weapon or a farm implement. You can spend hours debating how the children continue to exist for years after killing all of the adults in town. You can try to figure out how Burt and Vicky and all the children are going to get on with their lives sans corn. You can think about the ways in which Isaac resembles Tangina from Poltergeist. You can debate all the mixed messages the film sends: religion is largely a sham! Isaac is a wackadoo! No wait, Isaac was right! Children of the Corn is a never-ending cob of fun.

And I do mean never-ending. I have seven more movies to watch!

By: Unknown On 06.11

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Outlander, we have your Corn-ening!

It's true, you guys, it's here and it's TIME for The Corn-ening! I'll be starting the original Children of the Corn (1984) in about...oh, 15 minutes and it's all downhill from there. After each film I'll writeup a little...uh, writeup- so be sure to check back throughout the day for updates regarding my sanity and self-esteem.

Now then, if you dig what I'm doing today, what I've done, what you think I'll do...please, I would like you to think of The Corn-ening as a sort of telethon. A Corn-ening-a-thon! My fellow horror writer Alexandra West- she of Famous Monsters of Filmland, she of being an expert on found footage horror, she of generally being wicked awesome and all-around one of the finest people I've had please to Internet meet- recently lost everything in an apartment fire. Everything. So did her roommate. If she had all of the Children of the Corn movies on DVD, they are gone now. Even if she didn't have all of the Children of the Corn movies on DVD, it is a terrible thing.

Sometimes, though, The Internet is a terrific place. A GoFundMe page has been started for Alex and her roommate, and during the Corn-ening-a-thon I urge you to donate to help these women get back on their feet. Read a review, pitch in a buck. Watch as my writing devolves into babbling lunacy (NOT THAT YOU COULD TELL, AMIRITE), throw in a five-spot. Maybe forgo a pricy coffee today in order to help out, I don't know. What I do know is that the Cyber Horror Community is an incredible one. We're like a mighty family of freaks who help each other out and pitch in when needed...and boy is it needed now. So give if you can- what they're going through right now could easily happen to any of us.

And now I become She Who Sits Behind the Couch (yes it's very impractical...I can't see the TV). On to Children of the Corn!

By: Unknown On 04.08

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awesome movie poster friday - The CORN-ENING edition!

Hello friends, it's sure been a while since a Friday 'round these parts has been an awesome movie poster one, hasn't it? Well, pull up your pants and hold on to your hats because that's gonna change right now. And so begins...

Pro Tip: Use more image search terms than "elderly corn" if you don't want to end up seeing a lot of elderly feet

"What is The Corn-ening, " you ask, "and is it delicious?"

"Yes and yes!" I reply.

"That doesn't make sense," you say.

"Doesn't it?"

"No!"

"Oh, my apologies. Allow me to clarify."

Beginning around 7am this Monday (July 15), I will be watching all of the Children of the Corn movies in order. In one marathon session. Like my Halloween and Friday the 13th viewing marathons, I will take a bit of time in between films to write up a l'il something something on whatever I just watched. Like my Halloween and Friday the 13th viewing marathons, by the time it is all over, I will likely hate myself and enter a shame spiral that causes me to question every single life choice I've ever made. But it must be done...for science.

Anyway, what better way to get wicked pumped up for this Major Event than by putting peepers to some Children of the Corn posters? None. Stop trying to think of better ways, because there aren't any.

Some thoughts! You know, it's kind of interesting that the evolution of the CotC posters is a microcosm of the evolution of horror movie posters in general. Check it:

The first film (1984): mysterious! a bit arty! intriguing!

The fifth film (1998): the heads of good-looking people, all lined up! WB horror! what Scream hath wrought!

The eighth film (2011): a nondescript stock photo Photoshop snoozefest!

Anyway.

I'm a fan of "Horror Kid", but Ghana wins the day, as you'd expect.

By: Unknown On 06.02

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Catfished

Take a look at this DVD cover.

Do you have any idea how excited I was when I found this? You you you oughta know...by now that I love possession movies, no matter how bad they are, so any take on The Exorcist is going to tickle me pea soup green. Thus, it is no surprise I was all "Yo Dorothy, c'mere, girl. Evil chose you, and so do I!"

It wasn't long into the film when I realized that Dorothy Mills is 99 things, but 'a contemporary take on The Exorcist' ain't one. And I don't even know what that "evil chose her" shit is all about, either. That's right, folks...I have been misled. Misled! This is a marketing misstep that brings to mind William Friedkin's Bug, which was shoved into a genre it didn't fit. I get it, you know, why it's done. A film comes along and the PR department gets flustered, tut-tutting as they try to categorize it. What do you do with a Bug? Is it a drama? It won't play with the drama crowd. Is it horror? Mmm, not really. Well, not within the narrow paradigm that "horror movie" tends to bring to mind...but hey, it's close enough! And it's from William "Exorcist" Friedkin, so screw it! Yes, folks will be angry when they find out they've been duped, but what does it matter? By that time, they've already parted with their money. As for the movie's future...long run, shmong run.

And so goes my relationship with Dorothy Mills. I picked it up largely based on that Exorcist reference. I didn't read reviews beforehand because I wanted to remain unspoiled...I wanted to find something new and have the experience in a sort of good ol' days-style information vacuum. I guess you could say it was my fault that this film didn't meet my expectations, except that I arrived at my expectations from the GD marketing. How very frustrating!

It's even more frustrating when you realize that misleading box art does a disservice to a fine film that doesn't need whatever cachet the Exorcist name might lend to it. If anything, it's more akin to, say, The Wicker Man or Dead and Buried and it likely would find as much of an audience among the horror crowd if those films were referenced on the cover. I still would have checked it out! I love an outsider ends up in an insular and quietly hostile community that harbors some bad secrets movies almost as I love possession movies! Just be what you are, Dorothy Mills, and we will give you a chance.

The "outsider" here is Jane van Dopp (Carice van Houten), a psychiatrist who heads to an isolated island community off mainland Ireland to examine and assess troubled young teen Dorothy Mills (Jenn Murray), who was found physically abusing an infant under her care. Locals are both friendly and unfriendly, but none of them want Jane digging too deep. The sooner she heads back to the mainland the better, but what of Dorothy's fate? Will she end up in jail because of the assault? Or is there more going on than is immediately apparent?

Of course there is, what the heck did you think?

Listen, I'm not giving away the rest of the haps with this flick because it should be seen in a good ol' days-style information vacuum. Suffice it to say that while many parts of the film will be familiar to horror fans, it's original enough to satisfy. Really, though, I'll highly recommend it based on Jenn Murray's performance alone. Dorothy's got a lot of demons to battle- none of them Pazuzu, mind- and Murray's range is astonishing.

So look, take a chance on this little gem from writer/director Agnes Merlet. Just, uh, know what kind of gem you're getting.

By: Unknown On 11.33

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I Heart: The Amityville Horror

I came across a copy of John G. Jones's The Amityville Horror II in a bookstore the other day and I got excited in that bug-eyed, hand-clapping simpleton way I have. Somehow this book had escaped my notice for decades despite the fact that I consider myself to be an AmityManiac! Well, to clarify, I'm an AmityManiac who still hasn't seen all of the films, and who didn't know that there were so many goddamn books beyond the "classics" by Jay Anson and Hans Holzer. It's just that The Amityville Horror is as much a part of my formative years as Star Wars and comic books and Donna Summer records and KISS records that I can't help but get my simpleton on whenever 112 Ocean Avenue comes up.

112 Ocean Avenue. What other addresses do people actually know like that, beyond their own and grandma's? 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, maybe. I am just saying.

So, this book. I start flipping through it, giving it a read here and there, and I was shocked- shocked, I tell you- at how it read like fiction. I'm not talking about how "it reads like fiction" is used to compliment history books to reassure the masses that History Can Be Fun and Not Dry! (I made that slogan up, but if you run a history club or whatever you can use it.) (Oh, and a great example of a history book that "reads like fiction" is Erik Larson's Devil in the White City, great book, highly recommend, love you)...I mean that The Amityville Horror II reads like straight-up fiction, as if John G. Jones bent over and pulled the narrative right out of his ass.

I felt...confused. Was this book a work of fiction, further adding to the Amityville mythos? You know, like Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes and the possessed floor lamp (aka the greatest thing to ever grace a screen)? I took to the best source of information: Amazon reviews. There, I was reassured by a helpful reader. Let his (or her; "whytewolf" is a pretty gender-neutral screenname, I suppose) words ease your doubts as well:

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS HOW SOME REVIEWS I HAVE READ,PEOPLE PUT THIS BOOK DOWN AND DEPLICTS THE WRONG INFORMATION ON ITS STORY. HERE IS WHAT IT IS ABOUT! IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT THE LUTZES HAUNTED ATTACKS. YES THERE IS ENOUGH HERE TO PLEASE YOU. BUT MORE ABOUT THE AFTERMATH TO THE STORY OF THEY'RE UNBILIEVABLE 28 DAYS IN 112 OCEAN AVE. THIS BOOK COVERS WHY GEORGE SOLD THE FAMILY BUISNES,HOW THE ATTACKS CONTINUED,WHY THEY MOVED AROUND SO MUCH,ALL THE HOWS AND WHYS CONCERNING THE BOOK BEING WRITTEN.HOW THEY FELT ABOUT THE NEGATIVE PRESS SURROUNDING THEM,THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF THEM TRYING TO ENSURE PEOPLE THE STORY IS TRUE! SO IT ABOUT HOW THEY HAVE HANDLED EVRYTHING AFTER THEY FLED 112 OCEAN AVE. TO CLEARIFY THEY'RE STORY BETTER! WHO HAS THE RIGHT TO DETERMIN IF THE STORY IS TRUE OR NOT, WE WE WERE NOT THERE. BESIDE IT DOES MAKE A GREAT HORROR STORY ANYHOW!

HERE IS WHAT IT IS ABOUT! indeed.

I know in my heart of hearts that all the Amityville hoo-ha is a crock of shit. I know this, but I choose to ignore this. Total case of willful ignorance. Does that make me a crazy person? I care not! For you see, the seeds of love were sown early and they were sown deep. And that sounded way dirtier than I intended.

Look, here's the thing. Anytime I have a rational thought regarding The Amityville Horror, such as "everything George and Kathy Lutz put forth as evidence of supernatural goings-on has been debunked or greatly obfuscated", I counter it with something like "But George and Kathy Lutz were so good-looking! In the movie! Good-looking people never lie!"

EVIDENCE IT'S ALL TRUE: look how beautiful George and Kathy Lutz are when they are portrayed by beautiful people James Brolin and Margot Kidder!

See what I mean? And every time I think some negative thought about it all, something along the lines of "Wait, so Jody the evil presence...was...a giant purple pig?", I banish such a thought with "The cover of Jay Anson's book said it was all true so it was ALL TRUE. And be honest, if you saw a giant purple pig with glowing red eyes, you would be scared shitless once you made sure it wasn't simply a side-effect of too many Motrin IBs."

And just like that, easy, breezy,  I choose to believe in The Amityville Horror because it's not simply a cinematic juggernaut (holy crapping crap, ten movies), it's become a part of American folklore, dammit. I choose to believe that the Lutzes weren't simply trying to cash-in on the tragedy that occurred in the house before they moved in. I choose to believe that it wasn't all a fabrication because if crazy wall-bleeding shit can happen at 112 Ocean Avenue, it can happen anywhere. Maybe your house has a red room in the basement. You just need to look harder.

Look in your heart.

(Clutching a copy of The Amityville Horror II, Final Girl is carried aloft by a billion teeming houseflies. You bellow "Get out!" after her, but it's too late. She's already gone.)

(Just kidding. I didn't buy the book, it's total crap.)

(But Amityville 5ever though.)

By: Unknown On 14.59

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Learning to Let Go

Hey, Silent Hill, come on in. Have a seat. Can I get you anything? I have...well, I have water. Wow, I really need to go shopping, ha ha! Oh wait, I have tea. You want some tea? I can make some coffee. Just let me know.

Anyway, yeah, why I asked you over. Listen, let me say right off the bat: you won't find a bigger Silent Hill champion than me! Look, the first three video games are about as good as you're going to get in the survival horror genre. The rest of the games aren't even that bad...a couple are actually good.

As for the first cinematic foray into the world of Silent Hill, what can I say. I was so pumped about it, right? And I saw it and I loved it. Then I calmed down, saw it again...and while it's not worthy, perhaps, of all the adoration I initially heaped upon it, it's fairly solid and more good than bad.

I'm realizing, though, that the slow-but-gradual slide into mediocrity since the 2003 release of Silent Hill 3 has cooled my fervor. To use a scientific term, it's cooled my fervor a shit ton. While I'm still interested in new Silent Hill games, they're no longer release day purchases for me. Hell, for the most recent title, Downpour, I waited until the price dropped to $15. Trailers for Silent Hill: Revelation piqued my interest- I admit to still harboring a Pavlovian (if fleeting) response to all things SH, and I have enjoyed past work from writer/director Michael J. Bassett- but not enough to get me into the theatre to see it. Then it was released on DVD and I thought, "Hmm. I will wait for Netflix." Then it appeared on Netflix and a trusted friendsource warned me:

"It's bad."
"What do you mean? Bad how?"
"I don't want to spoil anything. It's just...it's bad."
"The effects? The plot? The acting?"
"It's just bad. You'll see."

So ominous, that "you'll see"! I get shivers just thinking about it. But, I could put it off no longer. It was time to see if I would, in fact, see.

BOY OH BOY, SEE I DO. This movie, I just...I mean...what the hell happened?

On paper, it doesn't sound so bad: in the years since Silent Hill, Sharon (Adelaide Clemens) and her father Chris (Sean Bean) have been on the move, changing their names as often as they change their address. Sharon is now Heather, and her life ain't nothin' but lies! She believes that they're constantly moving because her father (now calling himself Harry) killed someone in self-defense. She believes that her mother Rose (Radha Mitchell) died in a car crash. She believes her dreams of a place called Silent Hill are just, you know, dreams.

But! The troof ain't so convenient or pretty. After finding a way to allow Sharon to escape years ago, her mother Rose remains trapped in Silent Hill. Her father keeps the family mobile because Silent Hill wants HeatherSharon back because something Alessa something something awakening their God something. Through a few twists and turns o' the plot, Heather does head to the Hill to rescue her dad and...whatever. 

Sure, it's convoluted and likely impenetrably confusing for anyone who hasn't seen the previous Silent Hill film. It's a workable plot, though, so it's a bit surprising that Silent Hill: Revelation is such an utter, utter failure. It's a perfect fucking storm of failure, in fact.

The dialogue is atrocious. It's flat and boring and corny, on par with some of the worst video game dialogue out there. Silent Hill has never been known for its writing, but it's better than this. The performances and the script feed off of each other like vampires locked in a kind of tangled battle of suckage: the performers surely couldn't be inspired by the writing, but for fuck's sake I don't think any of them are even trying, which makes everything sound even worse. Sean Bean and Radha Mitchell in particular- I mean, I'm not convinced that Mitchell is a decent actress at the best of times, but both her performance and Bean's can't even qualify as "doing it for the paycheck" acting. They're phoned in from farther away than E.T.'s phone home bullshit. I don't know who to feel worse for while watching this- them, or me. Or maybe the world.

At times the effects aren't that bad, I suppose, in that CGI "some pixels walk around and stab other pixels and then some pixel gore happens" kind of way, but it's all just wrong. The world feels wrong. There's nothing ominous at play. Silent Hill is as easily accessible as Hoboken. One of the major face-offs in the film is resolved with a hug. A hug of death, mind you, but still. A fucking hug.

I don't know how to sum it up beyond saying that this film is just embarrassing. Embarrassing to anyone who calls herself a Silent Hill fan, to anyone who has enjoyed Bassett's other endeavors, to all of the actors (what the frig, Carrie-Anne Moss is totally wasted and you shut up, I will not tolerate a disparaging word because I love Carrie-Anne Moss), to anything and everything that ever was or will be. My friend was right: for fuck's sake, it's just bad. You'll see.

By: Unknown On 14.25

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